Friday, October 2, 2009

Show and Tell: She's Baaaaack.

You know who she is. Wemberly is back.

For those of you unfamiliar, Wemberly is a little white mouse in an awesome children's book written by Kevin Henkes called "Wemberly Worried." I knew the book when I was in education but was reintroduced to it by my friend at Just Another Infertile. We are both Wemberlies. What do Wemberlies do? We worry. All the time. About all sorts of things, but in this case, pregnancy. Pregnancy, miscarriages, still birth, TTTS. You name it. If it can go wrong in a pregnancy, Wemberly reminds me of it.

Today I am 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our three boys. 23 days away from my scheduled C-section. We are in the home stretch, on the last leg, the finish line is in sight. (Choose your sports metaphor.) And although the likelihood of TTTS is teeny tiny now, and if the babies were born today, they would most likely be just fine, I am worried. What could I possibly be worried about? I am glad you asked! Today, I am worried about sudden and unforeseeable fetal death and Tetanus (I dropped a kitchen knife on my foot yesterday). Let me explain.

After crossing the threshold of Week 30, I began to relax. I pulled tags from clothes previously untouched and unwashed. I put art up in the nursery. I let myself get excited. Then suddenly, She was back. Wemberly is back, and has taken up residence in my subconscious. She keeps reminding me that anything can happen. People lose babies at the end of pregnancy. Abruptions are more common with multiples. She seems to implore me: "YOU CANNOT STOP WORRYING YET!" And while I admit to always having been a worrier in the extreme, even as a child, it has become worse. And I have a theory about that. Infertility conjured Wemberly.

My pregnancy with my daughter was a breeze: easily conceived, carried and born. Easy as pie! Pregnancy is so EASY! What I was meant to do! Then we started trying for number two. After a few months of wacky cycles, we managed to get pregnant again. At our ten week ultrasound, we found there was no heartbeat- and no baby at all- it had been a blighted ovum. Deeply painful, but we felt many couples had one miscarriage and it was not indicative of a bigger problem. Then we got pregnant again! The next month! Meant to be. We saw our daughter's heartbeat three times before the day when I laid on the table and was told the baby was "quiet." She had Trisomy 18, we later discovered. Then on to Clomid. No luck. Then IUI's with Clomid. On IUI #2, a BFP! Beta came back at 5, however. A chemical pregnancy. Then fallopian tubes removed. IVF is our only option.

It was during this time that the cute white mouse Wemberly began to chatter in my ear. The worries began to overtake the hope. Moving through IVF was a true test in my ability to work through each worry, one at a time. Then the discovery of triplets brought many new worries to life, each with their own statistics, likelihood and outcomes stamped on my brain. For me, knowing more is better, and I have become a master of navigating clinical studies and Perinatology journals. I know the survival rates for triplets born at each week of gestation.

Since the milestone of 30 weeks passed, and the survival rates went up, I am not so worried about them being born too early. Now I am worried that something will happen before they are born. When I don't feel each baby moving, I become nervous. I can tell who is moving accurately most of the time, so I will occasionally have to wake a baby up, just to calm myself down. As soon as an ultrasound begins, I hold my breath while the sonographer searches for heart tones on everyone. I am terrified to ever hear the words, "the baby is quiet" again. I have wanted to be pregnant for so very long, and love looking at my belly, full of babies. Although I know this will be my last pregnancy unless the unthinkable happens, I want it to speed up. I want to hold my sons, and watch them breathe, and know they are HERE. They are alive and ours.

Unfortunately, the statistics on "unforeseeable and sudden fetal death" are sparse. I am aware of how extremely rare it is, but know too well, in life and in the ALI community, that it does happen. I discussed this concern yesterday with Dr. P who said, "While it does happen, the risk is low for you. We see the babies twice a week and monitor them closely." I know this should be comforting. I should be comfortable with this answer. Babies are not always born to be brought home, though. I desperately want ours to come home with us, breathing in and out, crying and giggling and making our family complete.

I cannot wait to meet this little boy and his perfect brothers. (Nose, lips and eyes, with his arm over his face.)

Yesterday, all of the boys looked wonderful. Their little hearts were a-beating and they showed us they were breathing. Babies A and B (the twins) were both 3 pounds, 6 ounces, and Baby C was 3 pounds, 8 ounces! Big for triplets and growing at a wonderful rate. All passed their BPP's with flying colors! I know I "should" stop worrying, but until these boys are nestled in our arms, I will continue to be a Wemberly.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing today at Mel's Show and Tell!


  1. I'm really confused. On Friday 9/25 you state that you are 29 weeks 5 days pregnant. Today (Friday 10/2) you state that you are 34 weeks 5 days pregnant. Interesting.

  2. I've never read the book, but I think I might have heard of it. I know what you mean, though. While I'm not pregnant, I know that when the infertility worries cease, new ones will creep in in their place. I just try to focus on God, who promises that He'll bare our burdens for us! (((hugs)))

    The ultrasound pic is gorgeous, by the way! And thanks for the comment on my blog!

  3. Thanks, "Gibson Twins"! I corrected it to say 30 and 5. :)

  4. It can be hard to stop worrying. But just think - you'll soon have all three of them in your arms & have a whole new set of worries. ;)

  5. They are doing great! Good job, mama!!!

    I know those nerves all too well. I cant say "dont worry" bc I'm a worrywort too. But just take a deep breath. Repeat "This is all going to be okay." It is. It has to be.

  6. ((HUGS)), Carrie.

    Some of us are just meant to be worriers.

    LOVE the u/s pic...too cute!

  7. I wish I could take that worry from you! But I can understand it completely. I think I am most scared about those last couple of weeks myself. Like just when I think I'm past most of the danger, something bad could happen. Let's try to be positive -- there will be 5 more people in this world, thanks to the two of us -- very soon. :)

  8. I will be a non-Wemberly on your behalf and believe that your boys will all be fine, easy peasy. I mean, they are October babies.

    Too bad non-worry isn't contagious.

  9. I usually worry towards the end as well, though I know you worry throughout. The end is when I stop and say "heyyyyy...wait a's all been pretty okay, so when is the other shoe going to drop?" I hear you sister. I understand. BUT.

    I'm asking you to please...

    Don't stop believin'
    Hold on to that feeeeeelin'
    Cervix, babies ohhh ohhh ohhhhhhhh!!!
    Don't stop believin'
    Know that they are comin'
    Home to yooooooooou!
    Don't stop!

  10. I know it's hard to stop worrying...but: STOP!. The babies need you calm and happy :)
    You've gotten really far and everything is looking good...just a few more weeks and that's it! You'll be holding each one of your precious little ones. Have a mental picture of the happy, healthy and big three boys that will be running down your house in a couple of years. Hold on to that thought. You can't possibly have two thoughts at the same time, so every time a bad thought comes to mind, replace it with a mental image of 3 happy and healthy boys!

  11. I'm afraid I might be a Wemberly, too. I am trying not to be, but alas!

    Good thoughts for getting through the next 23 days without drama and having a wonderful, healthy birth experience!

  12. I know how hard it is to stop worrying. Hang in there- do your best to stay positive, because you have done amazingly well so far! Those boys will be just fine!

  13. I agree with have to stop worrying for the babies sake. Stress plays a major role in things. Just take each day as it comes, be positive and enjoy being pregnant with them, because when you do give birth to THREE HEALTHY BOYS AND BRING THEM HOME, you'll have plenty more to stress over! You will bring them all home, you will. Take lots of belly pics. Wake them up when you dont feel them move. But remember, there are 3 in there and they have run out of room to move long ago. Less than a month to go, and before you know it you'll have 3 little boys having meltdowns and tantrums and teeth and all the wonderful things you're wishing for. Keep your head up. You're doing wonderful. And STOP GOOGLING! Just enjoy ;O)

  14. You may even be a Wemberly after the babies arrive--and that's okay. While there is obviously a detrimental side of worrying, think of all the times that Wemberly's worrying has helped her too. Brought her to the other side. Denying who you are (a Wemberly--like me!) isn't the solution. But slogging through it, trying to squeeze the good points of worrying out of it, more than the negative, is.

    Oh, and if I could tell you how to utilize worrying positively, I would (and I would do so myself). Easier said than done.

  15. I LOVE the 3D pic of your adorable big boy and great weights. Can't wait for the girls to make it past 3 lbs each.

    There are many legitimate worries and fears when going through IVF and pregnancy, let alone triplet pregnancies like ours. I can relate to feeling excited and optimistic one day, and completely enveloped in fear and worry the next. As the end of the pg draws nearer, there's a whole set of new worries. And I'm sure once our respective trios arrive, there will be other lifelong worries.

    On the positive side: look how far you've come! I'm very impressed with your strength and courage, and how honestly you write about the ups and downs.

    Hang in there. It's day by day now.

  16. She's a friend for life isn't she? I must say that it is so much easier now that my daughter is finally here. Pregnancy was so stressful. I was right there with you. In those final weeks, stllbirth was my ultimate worry. Every NST brought me anxiety.

    I worry now still. Is she eating enough? Is she growing? Is she crying from pain? But it nothing like the worry I had while pregnant. I have a concrete person I can see, hold, touch and love.

    You will get there soon. I can't believe how far along you are now! I've been reading all your posts, but I have not been a good commenter. The only chance I get to catch up on blogging is when I'm nursing and I am trying to get better at typing with one hand. :)

  17. Ah yes, Wemberly.
    Can't tell you to stop worrying. That would be purely hypocritical of me:).

    Just continuing to cheer you on... 30w5d! You are doing great!!!

  18. I'm so sorry that Wemberly's back.

    I can't believe there are only 23 days to go!

  19. My first pregnancy I worried about everything. My second I worried exclusively about uterine rupture during a VBAC. My next pregnancy (lord willing) I will worry about ICP. There is nothing wrong with worrying. The important part is to use the you do. Find information, use what information you can. You will not stop worrying when they arrive...but everything you worry about with your kids gives you tools to help keep them safe.