Friday, May 8, 2009

She's Back....


I am almost 10 weeks (9w5d) and am starting to get scared again. Yes, I see the same pattern: after 5-7 days have passed since my last ultrasound, I start to freak.out. The nausea has improved a bit, which scares me. I really like having lots of miserable symptoms to tell me my hormones continue to rage on in support of the pregnancy. I am still tired and headachy, but less pukey.

It is another 2 WEEKS from today until my NT scan at the MFM clinic when I will get to see our (hopefully) growing babies. I can't make it. I am like a junkie who cannot make it until the next fix, in this case, seeing that my babies are okay. I have been fooled by asymptomatic miscarriages before, so this time is particularly terrifying for me.

Ways in which I am behaving like a junkie:

1. I have Googled "risk of miscarriage after 9 weeks" more times than I care to admit. The results are all over the place, and with heartbeats seen, it is different. Don't waste your time there.

2. I have ordered a fetal heart doppler from Babybeat. All of my friends have said it helped them feel better. I know it might freak me out even more, but I am a glutton for punishment. Also My Friend over here got one and heard her baby's heartbeat. :)

3. I scheduled an ultrasound for Monday at 9:15 am with my RE. I tried to scam them into seeing me on the weekend, but she said, "No OB on the weekend unless it is urgent." Can't she see I am a basket case and it is urgent? No dice, Monday it is.

4. Pushing on my sore boobs to make sure they are still, in fact, sore. They are.

I think that most of the fear is irrational. I know that they told us it was less than a 5% chance that we'd lose them to early miscarriage now. I know that the chances of all of them having something chromosomally wrong is slim, also. It is knowing the unbearable pain of losing a baby, of starting over again and again, and getting through early pregnancy that scares me. I know I could if I had to, but I do not want to do it again. I want these three babies to be born into our family, and grow up healthy with their sister. I don't want their existences to end on ultrasound for us.

Please grow, babies. If you want to make me realllllly sick, that is okay too.


  1. Sending you tons of morning sickness, dizziness, fatigue, bloating, back ache and an overwhelming urge for a sardine and spinach pizza!!
    Your worry seems totally natural to me - after all we have been through we are all worried, all the time, whether we are trying to get pregnant, pregnant or newly minted mom. Enjoy the moments that are worry free and deep breath thru the rest. We're all with you.

  2. I had a babybeat during my entire pregnancy and it saved me sanity more than once. I hope you find some peace and know that all three of your miracles are thriving and doing great (and even better if you eat more than 900 calories a day)!!! Thinking of you!

  3. It's normal to feel like that honey!! You've been through so much!! I'm praying for you and know that in a few months you will be holding 3 babies and wondering how life was before their birth;) LOVE YOU!! have a great weekend!! ((HUGS))

  4. I love your blog. You always make me feel less alone in my worry (and lately you've made me feel I could eat all I want and that would be a good thing).

    I wish I was more naive or easy-going when it comes to this IF/pregnancy stuff, but it's just not in my nature. I think one of the hardest stretches between u/s for me was from 11 weeks to almost 19 weeks. That was hell. I did get to hear the heartbeat at 14+ weeks, but without being able to feel her move yet, that lapse in worry was short lived.

    A doppler might put your mind at ease, but I would think it would also be hard to hear three different heartbeats everytime. If you find it stresses you out more than helps, I'd put it away for awhile (easy for me to say). With my personalilty, I decided it wouldn't be best for me. I would drive myself more nuts with it. Let me know how it goes for you.

    I hope Suzy Sunshine can kick Wemberely's ass for you! :)

  5. I am totally there with you with the worrying. As much as I love my Monday morning ultrasounds, there's always a few moments of extreme anxiety as they are starting until I see those heartbeats.

  6. I am with you, in Wemberly waiting mode. Every time my nausea eases a bit, I panic. Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough.

    And I also just poked my boobs. Ouch.

    Hang in there -- I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as I stick my feet in the stirrups! (That didn't sound very good, but you know what I mean.)

  7. i'm with you. my nausea and cramping went away, and i freaked out. i have 8 days until my 12 week nt scan, and this month between u/s's has been awful! i can't imagine what the rest of the pregnancy will be like with only one more scan at 19 weeks. hang in there. i know we're all there with you. :)