Sunday, March 22, 2009
Meet my Alters
Does anyone watch "United States of Tara" on Showtime?* It is a fictional show about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (or DID). It is funny and heart-wrenching all at once. She is a middle-aged mom played by Toni Collette, who just happens to have other "Alters" or personalities that help her cope with an unknown past trauma. They range from Alice, the perfect 50's housewife, to Buck, the Vietnam vet with a drinking problem. Her alters are all different sides of her, and come out without her control or knowledge.
Here's the scoop: infertility is making me get Alters.** I am firmly in my two week wait, two days after the five day transfer of two blastocysts. Or, for you crazy Infertiles: in the 2WW, 2dp5dt. Wow, that is a mouthful. Anyway, the whole process is really getting to me. I can't go out for a run, have a glass of wine, even take my daughter to the park to distract myself and reconnect with the rest of the world. I am finding myself feeling a bit off, maybe a bit crazy.
Allow me to introduce my Alters:
1. OHSS Alter: She is bloated, sore and nauseous. She is hoping the symptoms go away, but also hoping they don't because that could be a good sign of pregnancy! She likes to wear loose shirts to hide her massive girth and has no appetite.
2. Wemberly (The worrying fictional mouse)***: Brief glimpse into Wemberly's head, "Are the embryos okay? Should we have just transferred one? What if I don't get pregnant? Why do I have cramps? What if they are twins and they are premature? Or get HELLP? What if I have an incompetent cervix and we don't know it yet?"
3. Suzy Sunshine: She is nothing but smiles, and is sure she'll get pregnant. With those embryos, and all the confidence of the doctors, embryologist that we'll get a BFP, why wouldn't we?
Okay, so there you go. You've met my Alters. I tend to spend about 85% of the day as Wemberly, truth be told. I know it is neurotic, but now I am worried about unhealthy twin pregnancy at the same time as not getting pregnant! Someone, please knock me out until Beta on March 28th. For everyone's sake.
*I have nothing to do but read blogs and watch TV while on bed rest.
**No, not really. I am kidding... and not insensitive to mental health.
***Major credit to this post at Just Another Infertile which opened my eyes to my Wemberly-ness.