Thank you

Your comments and support have been amazing! Not only have my bloggy friends been supportive and full of hugs, my IRL friends have been awesome too! One of my friends dropped by and took my daughter to the park, since I can't walk very far yet. It was so thoughtful- and allowed me a few minutes of breathing room. It is hard to keep it together all day and not cry too much.

I am still quite nervous and am terrified of losing the baby. I talked to my awesome nurse and they are doing another beta today since I am going in for an OHSS check. On that front, the OHSS seems to be receding, which is good, but scares me. I thought OHSS meant rising HCG... is this a bad sign?

Welcome to my neuroses. I will update with the beta later.

Ways in Which I am Like a Hippo

1. The bloat. Oh, the bloat. After I was all sunshine and rainbows about the paracentesis and how I felt so much better, I literally ate my words. It is back, it is bigger and it hurts. They measured my "girth" and weight today, both of which are up, and my ovary is palpable and ginormous. Have you noticed if you rearrange the letters of "OHSS" you get "HOSS"? No accident. I look about 5 months pregnant and am hiding my belly which looks quite pregnant, under puffer vests and large sweat shirts, but I am not that big to begin with so it is painfully obvious. If it were not for low-rise jeans, I'd be in my maternity ones. The doctors told me today that since my beta has gone up again to 862, and the pregnancy seems healthy, we have at least a few more weeks of OHSS fun before it starts to get better.

2. I am hungry. Like a hungry, hungry hippo. Generally speaking, I have a huge sweet tooth and love all things cookies, candy and baked goods. For about the last week, all I want is SALT. I have been eating delicious dill pickle/cheese/mustard sandwiches at least once a day, with Pringles smooshed in the middle. I am disgusted with myself. I tried to eat a cookie today, and almost threw up. What is happening to me? I don't know, but I need a salt lick, STAT.

3. I am cranky. If someone even gazes in the general direction of my midsection, their head might be torn off. I hate to hide my tummy, but know how huge I look. I don't want one of my neighbors thinking I am 7 months along, because, honestly, we've lost a lot of babies. We are not ready to share (except with the Internets, apparently). It is so frustrating to be in pain, unable to parent as I usually do, and basically told that there is nothing we can do. I like solvable medical problems, and this has no solution... except time and (gag) Gatorade.

4. I am thirsty. (Seems like hippos are thirsty, always hanging out in water.) I am on a liquid restriction, which helps to avoid too much fluid in the cavity, so I am limited to 4 glasses of Gatorade per day. YUM. All I want is a steamed non-fat milk with vanilla or a diet orange soda. But nooooo.

5. I complain a lot. Okay, I don't know if hippos complain, but I sure did in this blog. FORGIVE ME! Am VERY grateful to be pregnant today, and hoping the baby stays for nine months!

Beta and the Bloat

Quick update: I had my paracentesis done today and I look and feel SO much better. The doctor was able to get over a liter and Even if I had to do that every week, it would be totally worth it for the relief factor- and now I don't look 7 months pregnant.

On the beta front, it QUADRUPLED to 320!! And I would've been pleased with 160. The doctor said when they go up that quickly, twins are a possibility. I am repeating in again on Tuesday, but for now, the news is very good. We are cautiously optimistic that we have at least one growing baby in there. Keep growing, baby!

Beta is in...

And I am PREGNANT!!!!!!

I was seen again this morning for the worsening OHSS and they did my Beta HCG three days early, at 7dp5dt. It was 80.5! She said that is great and they'd like to see it between 50-80 if the test was three days from now, so it is a strong number since I tested early.

I will be going back on Sunday to ensure it doubles and possibly also having a paracentesis in which they drain the fluid that is pooling in my abdomen out. Supposedly, this helps ease pain and can temporarily make me feel better. I can barely button my pants, sleep, or take a deep breath, but who f-ing cares? I AM PREGNANT!

I am so grateful. Grateful beyond words.* I am so grateful to our family and friends, IRL who have watched A, helped at the house and supported this process. I am also so happy to have you, my Internet friends, who are a constant source of reassurance and comfort. Thank you.

Off to go elevate my legs and pretend that the OHSS belly is in fact a baby belly... it kind of is now!

*Okay, a little scared. After so many losses, it is hard to only be excited... but that is what I mostly am. :)

Jon and Kate plus 8 (plus my ovaries)

Okay, I have never seen this show until the OHSS-imposed bed resting. I had heard about it and was somehow able to avoid getting sucked into it. Last night, I found myself in a JaKP8 frenzy, I watched four episodes and recorded more for later. It is like some kind of crazy train wreck, that I can't click away from. Unlike most people, all I could think about the entire time was how she managed to have a healthy sextuplet pregnancy and, "Did some crazy quack doctor transfer six embryos or what?" but after some Googling, I discovered she did IUIs with injectables. According to my doctor, they don't do that as much because of the risk of higher order multiples, like their sextuplets. What do you guys think of the show?

I did find out that Kate had OHSS with the sextuplets and and had to be hospitalized, which is familiar territory to me. It made me like her more. Speaking of the OHSS... here is the update:

My blood work was normal. Yay for avoiding kidney failure! Also, I am bigger... ginormous. It looks like someone put a basketball under my too-big shirt. Thank God that flowy, loose shirts are fashionable, because I am hiding my girth under one every day. Secondly, I have to be monitored every other day, so back to see Wanda tomorrow. They hinted that they might do my beta a couple days early, though. HOLY HELL. I am so nervous- is 7dp5dt too early by blood? I don't know, but I am sort of dealing with the OHSS by trying to think that maybe I am pregnant, so if they tell me tomorrow that I am not, all kinds of breaking down will commence.

Thanks to everyone for the cheers and encouragement. I am hoping to either start deflating, or get good news... or both.

The Return of OHSS

Well, after the long week with OHSS, it was starting to look and feel better by Monday. Then, on Tuesday, I woke up all inflated like the Goodyear blimp and today is worse. I called the nurses to let them know, as instructed, and they talked to me for a while about the symptoms, before deciding I needed to be seen.

I rolled myself into the office (I am quite roly-poly) and had a visit from Wanda and some blood work. They also measured my abdominal GIRTH. It is girth all right.

Here are the take-aways:

1. It is worse. My ovaries are touching in the middle, which sounds cute, but hurts like a mother. They don't want me to lift anything (like my child) as they are concerned about ovarian torsion. That can cause the loss of an ovary.

2. There is a good amount of free fluid in my "third space" or peritoneal cavity which is not a good thing.

3. They keep telling me that I am likely pregnant (YAYY!) since the symptoms are worse and exacerbated by pregnancy... but no, they won't do a blood test yet. Stop asking.

4. If it gets worse, they will drain my abdomen. That is about as much fun as it sounds.

5. I am awaiting blood work to check for liver/kidney function.

6. I am now "moderate" and will probably require more monitoring (read: Wanda visits, and extra driving).

So all in all, I am pretty frustrated that it is getting worse and we can't do anything besides manage my symptoms. Pain? Percocet or Tylenol. Nausea? Anti-nausea meds. You look like a hoss? Deal. I am secretly happy that this could indicate pregnancy and am oh so hopeful that I will have good news soon. Oh, the things we do to have babies.

Meet my Alters

Does anyone watch "United States of Tara" on Showtime?* It is a fictional show about a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder (or DID). It is funny and heart-wrenching all at once. She is a middle-aged mom played by Toni Collette, who just happens to have other "Alters" or personalities that help her cope with an unknown past trauma. They range from Alice, the perfect 50's housewife, to Buck, the Vietnam vet with a drinking problem. Her alters are all different sides of her, and come out without her control or knowledge.

Here's the scoop: infertility is making me get Alters.** I am firmly in my two week wait, two days after the five day transfer of two blastocysts. Or, for you crazy Infertiles: in the 2WW, 2dp5dt. Wow, that is a mouthful. Anyway, the whole process is really getting to me. I can't go out for a run, have a glass of wine, even take my daughter to the park to distract myself and reconnect with the rest of the world. I am finding myself feeling a bit off, maybe a bit crazy.

Allow me to introduce my Alters:

1. OHSS Alter: She is bloated, sore and nauseous. She is hoping the symptoms go away, but also hoping they don't because that could be a good sign of pregnancy! She likes to wear loose shirts to hide her massive girth and has no appetite.

2. Wemberly (The worrying fictional mouse)***: Brief glimpse into Wemberly's head, "Are the embryos okay? Should we have just transferred one? What if I don't get pregnant? Why do I have cramps? What if they are twins and they are premature? Or get HELLP? What if I have an incompetent cervix and we don't know it yet?"

3. Suzy Sunshine: She is nothing but smiles, and is sure she'll get pregnant. With those embryos, and all the confidence of the doctors, embryologist that we'll get a BFP, why wouldn't we?

Okay, so there you go. You've met my Alters. I tend to spend about 85% of the day as Wemberly, truth be told. I know it is neurotic, but now I am worried about unhealthy twin pregnancy at the same time as not getting pregnant! Someone, please knock me out until Beta on March 28th. For everyone's sake.

*I have nothing to do but read blogs and watch TV while on bed rest.
**No, not really. I am kidding... and not insensitive to mental health.
***Major credit to this post at Just Another Infertile which opened my eyes to my Wemberly-ness.

Welcome, IComLeavWe-ers!

This is my first ICLW since I started blogging and met all you wonderful and strong women. I am beyond excited that it happened to fall on my bed-rest-after-transfer days so I can be an extra good commenter (and because, DAMN, I am bored!).

Quick Rundown:

I am a stay at home mom to a preschooler. She was a snap to conceive, carry, deliver.
Since then, many miscarriages have ensued. Failed IUI's. I've also had to have my fallopian tubes removed which leaves us with the grand prize of IVF as our only option.
Began IVF #1 (after being delayed 3 times), responded well, and had my five day transfer of the above pictured cutest embryos ever. :) I am biased a bit. I also have super-duper fun OHSS and look 6 months pregnant.

I am a worry-wort and tend to ruminate, over-think and obsess. Obsession of the day: I want my OHSS to go away because I look and feel awful... but if it goes away, is that a bad sign on the pregnancy front?

If anyone has had OHSS please share your experience here! Happy ICLW Week! :)

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!

I had my transfer today! After all the worry over my mild OHSS and the possible cancellation of the transfer, I was evaluated by my doctor today who said since the fluid pocket in my abdomen was not larger, and I had not gained weight, he was comfortable proceeding with my transfer. I almost jumped off the table to hug him! He did remind me that pregnancy can exacerbate OHSS, but I have a pretty mild case.

I asked how the embryos were and he laughed, and said, "Awesome." There were two beautiful blastocysts, Grade A, that were ready to be transferred and four to freeze. A few more are in extended culture, trying to make it to freeze. He gave a bit of an attempt to get us to do a single embryo transfer, which we had considered, but with all the losses, we felt that we wanted to maximize our chance for success this cycle.

Then the embryologist came in and said, "These are perfect. I don't often hand out Grade A's, but I could swap out the pictures of these for the ones on the wall!" Then she asked me how we felt about twins, and said she figures our chance of twins around 70%. Holy. Crap. She went on to say that she would bet money that I would get pregnant... a good sign, right? We got to see their darling pictures, and watch as they pulled them from the lab into the catheter. They were sort of sticking together- she said they were holding hands. I thought they just did not want to be separated. I had acupuncture before and after, which was so relaxing and grounding.

So I am home now, resting on the couch (bed rest for 48 hours) and making myself a little crazy wondering if we should've only transferred one. If we had transferred one, I'd probably be worried that we should've transferred two! This is how I am and it might make my husband crazy. I am not worried about the insanity that is raising twins, it is that I am worried about them not being healthy. People do like to remind me that twin pregnancies are harder (of course!) but I just hope they will snuggle in and be healthy inside of me for eight or nine long months.

I will post a picture of the cutest Blasts EVER once someone brings me my camera. :)

I've Got the OHSS Blues

GAWD! The Bloat has been sticking around and this morning I nearly passed out and was having lots of abdominal pain. I called my favorite MA ever and she said it was best to be seen. So I dragged (actually, my husband dragged) my bloated and cranky self to an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound (as an added bonus) as well as weight monitoring and "girth" measurement.

This Dr. T is not one I usually see, and she was very blunt. She said immediately, "You right ovary is hyper stimulated, no doubt, and your left one is normal." I did a little cheer for Lazy Lefty! Surprisingly, I actually had very little fluid on my abdomen, had lost weight since my retrieval and now they were going to check blood work for electrolyte levels, kidney and liver function and reassess tomorrow morning, 30 minutes before my transfer. I am on bed rest until then and ordered to drink a small amount and only to thirst. Are they trying to drive me insane until the last possible second this cycle? Perhaps.

In case you aren't familiar with OHSS, it is when fluid leaks from the empty follicles in the ovary after retrieval, and causes fluid build up in the abdomen. A severe case can cause it to build around the heart and lungs and requires hospitalization. Unfortunately, pregnancy (and the HCG it produces) exacerbates the condition and makes recovery of mild, moderate or severe OHSS take longer. That explains why they don't want to do transfer if the case is worse than mild or if the blood is unbalanced- the HCG from a developing embryo after implantation can make a person seriously ill.

That did not stop me from pressing for a statistic or chance that my transfer would be tomorrow. She said 80% that I will get my embabies to come home. If the fluid is worse, or the ovary is larger, they will cancel and we will be forced to freeze our beautiful blastocysts and wait until I am well. Which she said could be a couple weeks or a month.

(Child mentioned here)
I am feeling so incredibly guilty as a mother. My little A is having such a hard time watching me be sick and on strict bed rest. Her behavior is erratic and cranky, and I know she wants mommy to get up and play with her, take her to the park or work on an art project. This is where the voice kicks in, "If you were happy with one child, she wouldn't have to go through this and you would not be sick." I can't help but feel selfish for wanting to grow my family since it is taking a toll on us all.

I am NOT going to google "OHSS and cancellation rates" although I really want to and am trying so hard to be positive. I hope with every ounce of hope I have that our babies can come home to me... I have been waiting so long. This journey takes so much out of a girl.