Friday, April 10, 2009


I love to shop. As in, I could spend hours walking around a mall, Target or even Costco. I am a huge fan of our consumerist society and I do my very best to support the economy. About twice a year, we head to the outlets about an hour from our house and stock up for the season. There is a JCrew, Banana, Gap, and lots of children's clothing stores. This is usually a place where I am in heaven, carrying around armloads of stuff before deciding what to take home. We are frugal- this is not a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus, but we get to update our wardrobes a bit and have fun in the process.

So when my husband said he needed some new work shirts and wanted to visit to the outlets on Saturday, he was shocked when I practically burst into tears. I instantly pictured myself wandering around, not trying on pants because serious OHSS gut is still in the house. I also thought of not buying fitted shirts (see previous) but not buying maternity shirts, because I've made that mistake in early pregnancy before and we all know how that ended: cute shirts with the tags on, still in a big plastic bin. I also can't buy baby clothes, because TALK ABOUT JINX. I am a bit (read: freakishly) superstitious after our losses, and won't buy anything until I am as close to feeling safe as I can, and I am not there yet. I am not feeling safe.

Which brings us to the underlying emotions that almost made me cry at the mention of new JCrew khakis: fear and uncertainty. I cannot be certain what is going to happen with this pregnancy and therefore am feeling pretty freaked out about the future. I don't want to buy an outfit, thinking, "this will fit for a few months, and the shirt will be perfect for longer" when, honestly, who the heck knows what is going to happen? I know I "should" be exclusively positive, but I am quite sure that is impossible for me. I am absolutely terrified of losing the babies, of losing one baby, of not seeing heartbeats on Monday. I have roughly 67 hours (but who's counting?) before our scan, where we may or may not see healthy babies (please, please let them be okay) thus making me feel safe for now, or delivering not good news. I hate this position, and I've been in it too many times now. Putting the groceries away today, I saw my hands shaking, thinking about getting up on Monday and driving to the appointment. I will be a wreck by the time we roll into the clinic.

So now I am faced with the decision: should I stay or should I go? I could use the distraction, and as one friend pointed out, they have a Coach outlet. Buy a purse and some shoes! I am just terrified that I will be wondering the whole time: will this pregnancy make it? I may not be able to pick up a sundress without serious heart palpitations. Did anyone read "Cathy," the comic strip? You know how she used to run out of stores screaming "AACK!"? Well, that could be me. I am aware this level of anxiety about purchasing clothing is unwarranted, but it speaks to how scared I am. And how much I want my babies to live. Grow babies, grow.

The question remains: should I stay or should I go? And could someone send pregnancy-safe Valium immediately?


  1. Oh darlin', I get it! I so get it. I think you should shop--any distraction is good, and purses ALWAYS work. Thinking tons of good vibes in your direction for Monday's ultrasound. xxoo

  2. Oh honey...go ahead buy some shoes and a purse. I know how you feel I would be hesitant too!! I'm sending good vibes your way for Monday:) ((HUGS))

  3. I am hoping and praying for you. I agree with the others - any distraction is a good distraction. I would say, try not to stress but, I know that is inevitable. Hang in there!!!

  4. I felt the same way about buying my first pair of maternity pants. Oh hell, I felt the same way about buying my first bella band. Anytime I buy anything new for this pregnancy/baby I get nervous. But I fear one day it will come down to one poor baby who has nothing because I was afraid to get anything for her. Someday you have to move on from the fear. I am very, very sloooowly getting there (at least on the purchase/planning front). We sound very similar. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

    So I say, "Go shopping!" But if you don't want to buy anything maternity then don't. Do what makes you feel comfortable for now. Distractions are a good thing. Monday will be here before you know it.

  5. When I was pregnant-against-all-odds, I waited until it was bordering on obscene to buy maternity pants because of that same fear. It's so hard in the first few months. So, I concur with those above who said that buying shoes is the answer.
    Come to think of it, is there ever a time where buying new shoes isn't the answer? :)

  6. I hope you went for it, I think it would be a nice distraction.

    I, too, could spend hours walking around ANY store. Mostly dreaming about what I *could* buy...

    Don't worry about thinking positive, I'll do it for you!!!

  7. I deluded myself into buying a cute flowy top at Old Navy today by rationalizing that if this whole pregnancy thing doesn't work out for me, I'll need to hide my ovary gut during another round of IVF. But I will no way no how get near the maternity or baby departments right now.

    I hope that you were able to go and get a bit of shopping distraction. Lord knows fending for yourself in a Coach outlet pretty much takes all of the mental strength possible!