Friday, April 10, 2009
I love to shop. As in, I could spend hours walking around a mall, Target or even Costco. I am a huge fan of our consumerist society and I do my very best to support the economy. About twice a year, we head to the outlets about an hour from our house and stock up for the season. There is a JCrew, Banana, Gap, and lots of children's clothing stores. This is usually a place where I am in heaven, carrying around armloads of stuff before deciding what to take home. We are frugal- this is not a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus, but we get to update our wardrobes a bit and have fun in the process.
So when my husband said he needed some new work shirts and wanted to visit to the outlets on Saturday, he was shocked when I practically burst into tears. I instantly pictured myself wandering around, not trying on pants because serious OHSS gut is still in the house. I also thought of not buying fitted shirts (see previous) but not buying maternity shirts, because I've made that mistake in early pregnancy before and we all know how that ended: cute shirts with the tags on, still in a big plastic bin. I also can't buy baby clothes, because TALK ABOUT JINX. I am a bit (read: freakishly) superstitious after our losses, and won't buy anything until I am as close to feeling safe as I can, and I am not there yet. I am not feeling safe.
Which brings us to the underlying emotions that almost made me cry at the mention of new JCrew khakis: fear and uncertainty. I cannot be certain what is going to happen with this pregnancy and therefore am feeling pretty freaked out about the future. I don't want to buy an outfit, thinking, "this will fit for a few months, and the shirt will be perfect for longer" when, honestly, who the heck knows what is going to happen? I know I "should" be exclusively positive, but I am quite sure that is impossible for me. I am absolutely terrified of losing the babies, of losing one baby, of not seeing heartbeats on Monday. I have roughly 67 hours (but who's counting?) before our scan, where we may or may not see healthy babies (please, please let them be okay) thus making me feel safe for now, or delivering not good news. I hate this position, and I've been in it too many times now. Putting the groceries away today, I saw my hands shaking, thinking about getting up on Monday and driving to the appointment. I will be a wreck by the time we roll into the clinic.
So now I am faced with the decision: should I stay or should I go? I could use the distraction, and as one friend pointed out, they have a Coach outlet. Buy a purse and some shoes! I am just terrified that I will be wondering the whole time: will this pregnancy make it? I may not be able to pick up a sundress without serious heart palpitations. Did anyone read "Cathy," the comic strip? You know how she used to run out of stores screaming "AACK!"? Well, that could be me. I am aware this level of anxiety about purchasing clothing is unwarranted, but it speaks to how scared I am. And how much I want my babies to live. Grow babies, grow.
The question remains: should I stay or should I go? And could someone send pregnancy-safe Valium immediately?