I am worried. It is unfounded, hypothetical worry, but there nonetheless. I am terrified of losing this baby. I am so angry that the miscarriages, the losses of our babies, have taken away my ability to be optimistic about a pregnancy. I hate that I spend so much of my time trying to calculate statistics of pregnancy loss at each stage, the recurrence of Trisomy 18, and how long I have until the baby is "safe". Here's the thing: there is no safe state of pregnancy. I am not trying to be harsh, but we assume that a pink line and a doubling beta mean baby in nine months. In my experience, that is not the case in 3 out of 4 pregnancies. We even saw the heart beat of our daughter twice before she died.
I want so much to be sure everything will be okay and that this baby will live long enough to come into the world and be loved by us, but I am not sure. I am scared. I told a group of very close friends today that I am pregnant, and was immediately remembering all the times I had to tell them I was not pregnant anymore. I wish I wasn't reliving the losses, and thinking ahead, but I am so scared to get attached to someone who may not be able to stay. I was looking at SPALS (Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss Support) online, and their logo is literally a question mark inside a pregnant belly which seems appropriate. Maybe I feel more like an elispis. An elipsis (you know "...") "can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence." I hope it is only a pause in speech, a "wait a little longer" and more will come.
I said to someone today, "If I lose this pregnancy, I don't think I will be able to handle it." But that is not true. I have handled it too many times and kept on trying, kept on hoping that we will be lucky enough to have another baby. I wish there was some way to have a guarantee, to be assured that all will end well, but there is no such guarantee. Nothing truly comforts me right now, except knowing that I have done this before, and lived to tell (blog?) about it.
I am afraid the baby feels my fear, my hesitation at being attached. Obviously, I know that baby is the size of a poppy seed, and probably not aware of my thoughts, but still. I want to be EXCITED! I want to look at the baby development pictures without shuddering, want to put on some maternity pants for the OHSS belly's sake, but am too afraid that I will be inviting trouble.
We lost two pregnancies around 9 weeks, and I am only 4 1/2. How am I going to make it? Will I feel better after 9 weeks? Has anyone experienced a healthy pregnancy after loss? How did you stay positive and hopeful?
Stay, baby, stay. Grow, baby, grow. You are so very wanted.
(Back to the RE for OHSS monitoring and maybe repeat paracentesis tomorrow.)