Thursday, April 2, 2009

Elipsis (...)

I am worried. It is unfounded, hypothetical worry, but there nonetheless. I am terrified of losing this baby. I am so angry that the miscarriages, the losses of our babies, have taken away my ability to be optimistic about a pregnancy. I hate that I spend so much of my time trying to calculate statistics of pregnancy loss at each stage, the recurrence of Trisomy 18, and how long I have until the baby is "safe". Here's the thing: there is no safe state of pregnancy. I am not trying to be harsh, but we assume that a pink line and a doubling beta mean baby in nine months. In my experience, that is not the case in 3 out of 4 pregnancies. We even saw the heart beat of our daughter twice before she died.

I want so much to be sure everything will be okay and that this baby will live long enough to come into the world and be loved by us, but I am not sure. I am scared. I told a group of very close friends today that I am pregnant, and was immediately remembering all the times I had to tell them I was not pregnant anymore. I wish I wasn't reliving the losses, and thinking ahead, but I am so scared to get attached to someone who may not be able to stay. I was looking at SPALS (Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss Support) online, and their logo is literally a question mark inside a pregnant belly which seems appropriate. Maybe I feel more like an elispis. An elipsis (you know "...") "can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence." I hope it is only a pause in speech, a "wait a little longer" and more will come.

I said to someone today, "If I lose this pregnancy, I don't think I will be able to handle it." But that is not true. I have handled it too many times and kept on trying, kept on hoping that we will be lucky enough to have another baby. I wish there was some way to have a guarantee, to be assured that all will end well, but there is no such guarantee. Nothing truly comforts me right now, except knowing that I have done this before, and lived to tell (blog?) about it.

I am afraid the baby feels my fear, my hesitation at being attached. Obviously, I know that baby is the size of a poppy seed, and probably not aware of my thoughts, but still. I want to be EXCITED! I want to look at the baby development pictures without shuddering, want to put on some maternity pants for the OHSS belly's sake, but am too afraid that I will be inviting trouble.

We lost two pregnancies around 9 weeks, and I am only 4 1/2. How am I going to make it? Will I feel better after 9 weeks? Has anyone experienced a healthy pregnancy after loss? How did you stay positive and hopeful?

Stay, baby, stay. Grow, baby, grow. You are so very wanted.

(Back to the RE for OHSS monitoring and maybe repeat paracentesis tomorrow.)


  1. I'm soooo sorry honey! I'm praying that this is the one for you. That you will hold this beautiful baby in your arms. ((HUGS))

  2. Oh, Carrie, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I am thinking of and praying for you.

  3. Cautious optimism is the name of the game. We lost our first daughter and found out at the first prenatal which brought our giddy new parent shenanigans to a screeching hault.

    Over a year later we finally suceeded in conceiving again and we prayed. Hard. My instincts told me that this time was different, but still, I had the fear of the same result at my first appointment.

    Pray. Rely on your support network... vent, and most of all be as positive as you can possibly be. I'm here if you wanna talk.

  4. i have no answers b/c we have not been successful at getting pregnant post miscarriage but i fear those same feelings if and when we get pregnant. hoping God will give you a peace so you are able to enjoy this pregnancy.

  5. One day at a time. One.Day.At.A.Time.

    It's the only way.

    I hate, hate, HATE that any of us feel this way when we get preganant. It's so hard to not let you brain jump to the what if's and the negatives.

    Continuing to think positive for you and praying for you and your family.


  6. I am sorry the fun has been taken away of your pregnancy. I have never been in your position before. I never made it that far but it must be so hard to wait. I know if I am every blessed with a pregnancy, it will not be all smiles. We will be sweating it out all 9 months. It sucks. Pregnancy to people like us is a whole different experience. We have seen and experienced too much loss. My thoughts are with you.

  7. Stay, baby, stay. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I can't imagine how hard it must be after having miscarriages, since I feel similar things and have never miscarried. I will be thinking about you and praying that this is a sticky baby. I hope things are improving with the OHSS.

  8. Oh Carrie, I wish there was no need to pause, no hesitation, no uncertainty. But I realize that life isn't that simple. And after everything you've been through, being cautious is really smart. It doesn't mean you don't love the little peanut, but I understand the need to protect oneself.

    Reliving the losses must be so incredibly hard and taxing. My thoughts are with you, and I hope your preschooler will have alittle baby sibling soon, and that you can post a pic with 2 little ones running across the grass in front of you... carefree. (note the elipsis)

  9. Thinking positive thoughts for you