Saturday, April 18, 2009
When does the fear go away? *Child mentioned/pictured*
*Child mentioned and pictured*
Happy Show and Tell! Go see what the rest of the class is showing!
This picture was taken almost exactly a year ago. That is me (wincing at the tattoo...) and my daughter, A at the beach in Kauai. That morning, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant for the third time, a couple of months after our first miscarriage. I remember taking the test in the dark condo bathroom, and walking out to show my husband, big smile on my face, lots of fear in my heart. I cried on the white sand, staring at the Pacific, while my daughter and husband played. That was two days into our much-anticipated Hawaiian vacation, and I immediately wanted to go home to have my betas checked NOW and set up an ultrasound. While we were still in paradise, and our almost-two-year-old was having the time of her life, I was not. I was terrified, and stuck on an island.
I attempted to keep my spirits up, trying to remind myself that two consecutive miscarriages is unlikely (HA!), that all would be okay this time, and hey, I was in KAUAI! It did start out okay, with doubling betas and a beautiful heartbeat seen at 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 weeks. Unfortunately, around 8 1/2 weeks, an ultrasound showed that her heart had stopped beating. The tech said, "Baby is quiet." The worst words a pregnant mom can hear. Needless to say, I was devastated, and genetic testing showed Trisomy 18, a condition worse than Down's that causes death shortly after birth, and more commonly, miscarriage.
Fast-forward to now, pregnant with twins at 7 weeks, and I am finding myself "crying on the beach" again, if you will. We saw their perfect heartbeats 6 days ago, and am hoping to see them again on Monday. This pregnancy seems to be okay so far, with lots of encouraging comments by our RE who reminds us that miscarriage at this stage is less than 5%. Very reassuring, but experience seems to override these facts, and all I can think of is the last time they told me my baby died. I am so scared it will happen again.
I've been thinking about this crying on the beach, and am sort of pissed off about the whole deal. I am a little angry at myself for not being able to let go of the past, and try to be in the moment; and a little angry at whoever runs the universe. I found myself today not able to fully enjoy something my daughter was doing (taking a shower by herself, with us right outside the tub) because all I could be was SAD that she was growing up, and what if we never have another baby? I hate how her growing up can be so bittersweet for me since we have been trying to have a sibling for her for a year and a half, with three miscarriages.
I am trying to live in the moment, enjoying what is happening right now, but man, it is hard for me. I find myself Googling "miscarriage rates after fetal heartbeat" at least three times a day, and am noticing all the links are already clicked on. My computer is even sending me a message: "Already read it. Move the F on!" It is so amazing to read others' blogs, so full of hope and without a hint of fear, and I am in awe and truly amazed at these strong women. I want to be that strong. I am hoping that when we see them on Monday, the twins' hearts are beating strong, and they are growing as they should. I am so hopeful but when something is so desperately wanted, there is a long way to fall.
Resolutions for the week: no more crying on the beach. Only Google after 9 pm (am too tired to do anything then usually). Be present. Come up with some positive affirmations--I am open to suggestions.