Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Really, I'm all over the place
Sorry- a bit blurry. Note that they are in fact the same shape and size, but A was further away from Wanda, so B looks bigger. You can see the fetal pole and yolk sac on B (left).
Last night I had the most terrifying dream. I dreamed that started spotting and went to the doctor where they were unable to find a heartbeat for either baby. I basically was hysterical and my husband was with me too. I cried so hard they couldn't understand me when I was asking if I had to have a D & C. After that, my doctor prescribed Morphine (!) and told me to come back in a few days. I walked outside, suddenly alone in a hot parking lot, and wandered around, lost and weeping.
So clearly, nightmare. My subconscious seems to be tracking me down at night and reminding me of my fears, as if I could forget them! I wish I could dream of a big pregnant belly and newborns, but I have yet to truly dream about being pregnant. I am pretty sure that this represents my slowness to accept the pregnancy, and my fear that it won't continue. I am so scared that sometimes someone is talking to me and I can't hear them; I am busy calculating the risks, my symptoms, how I felt the last couple times. I am trying to get over it.
I am trying to take comfort in the fact that my boobs hurt SO badly, I feel like I will vomit at any moment (but never do), and how exhausted I am. I want to embrace it on so many levels, but for now, I seem to be adopting a day-to-day approach. Pregnancy after loss is a bit of a war within your mind. Every day the following thoughts cycle through my brain, in no particular order:
"I feel sicker than I have with any other pregnancy- great sign."
"I saw a heartbeat before and that did not work out well. We lost her."
"I must be positive! Dr. S said only 3-4%. Good stats for us!"
"What is that weird twitching in my cervix? Preterm labor?!"
"Everything will be all right."
"I can't deal with another loss."
"If we lose one twin, hopefully the other will be healthy."
Those are just a few of my jumbled thoughts. This picture makes me feel MUCH better, and remembering the flickering of their perfect hearts is comforting. Only five more days until we get to see them again. I hope they are continuing to grow and thrive inside me!
Any other moms feel this way after loss? Any sage wisdom from my bloggy friends?