Show and Tell: Miscellany

For today's Show and Tell I have a little bit of everything. As most of you know, I am on strict-ish bed rest with the triplets and am counting the days until viability begins (24 weeks) and today is ten days to go! I installed a really useful Ap on my iPhone that counts down for me, so the exact time remaining is 9 days, 13 hours and 17 minutes. Not that I am excited or anxious.

The good news is that the higher dose of Niphedipine seems to be helping with the contractions, but I am still having them. They have told me more than once that four an hour is fine as long as it is not ALWAYS four in an hour, but if it is six in an hour that I need to be seen. Hoping that they stay under that and I can coast into my Monday appointment with a long and strong cervix. (Please, please, please.)

First of all, my dear friend B, who I have known since we were twelve sent me the most amazing card. She has always been a very creative card-maker and an avid cheerleader of her friends. I almost cried when I saw this in the mail, and have read and re-read the card all morning. I do think the envelope is the best part:



If you can't tell, the sentiments on it include: "Is it time for a protein shake?", "October or bust!", "Rest, rest, rest" and "You can do it BOYS!"

Secondly, Deb from Waiting on Life Part 2 gave me an award! As she pointed out in her post, some of the recipients did not even know she read their blogs at all (me included) so it was a great surprise! I am supposed to tag 15 people, but I don't know who has received it already. So if you feel so inclined, consider yourself awarded! I read all of your blogs and love their variety!



I will leave you with my 22 week belly picture. The boys are growing so big, and it is evident here! I tend to bump into things with the tummy now since it grows so fast that I don't have time to adjust.



Once again, a big, triplet-belly-sized thank you for all of the encouragement. The comments, links to other blogs and prayers are like gifts to me. When I read comments, I savor each one like a treasure and re-read them when I am feeling low. Thank you!

Go see what everyone else is showing today at Mel's Show and Tell!

Show and Tell: Hope. Courage. Always.

(Pregnancy mentioned)

I am a sentimental person who tears up at greeting cards and commercials, occasionally. Throughout the battle with infertility and miscarriage, I have sought to find a "mantra" or affirmation that would guide me through. Some words I may repeat to myself as we waited on each test, dealt with unimaginable news or tried again. I had a wonderful CD of affirmations as I went through my IVF cycle. It relaxed me and reminded me that no amount of stress will actually impregnate me. I listened to it at acupuncture and after giving myself injections.

Now, I am a lucky person whose cycle was successful. VERY successful. After transferring two lovely embryos, we find ourselves 16 weeks pregnant with TRIPLETS. Yep, one split. This pregnancy has truly been fraught with wonder, excitement, terror and worry, all wrapped into one hormonal ball of emotion, and again, I find myself in need of an affirmation, some words to soothe my heart.

I purchased these stones when I was on Clomid, after two miscarriages, and held them in my hand frequently. I especially stared at the stone reading "Hope". Such a simple word, with so many emotions tied to it. Hope became my mantra, and my three- year- old even carries her own hope stone in her pocket sometimes. We talk about what hope is, how it is the thing that keeps you going, helps you keep trying to get something you need or want. I haven't looked at it lately, and recently I glanced over at the dish in my kitchen where my stones are, and found immediately what my mantra is: Hope. Courage. Always.



As the pregnancy progresses, I am finding that the worrying and risk of a triplet pregnancy are wearing on me, but I never stop hoping. So far, everything is going extremely well, and the baby boys are looking perfect. Still, I worry about babies born too soon, pre-term labor, twin to twin transfusion. I think what I am looking for right now is the courage. I need the courage to be brave, to smile and be happy in my pregnancy despite the risks and unknowns. My daughter needs a courageous mommy, and so do my boys. I need to be quietly courageous, and face whatever comes to us. The "Always" stone reminds me that these are things I will never give up on. I will Always have Hope and Courage, for myself and for my family, present and future.

Go see what the other courageous women are showing at the Stirrup Queen's Show and Tell. :)

When does the fear go away? *Child mentioned/pictured*

*Child mentioned and pictured*

Happy Show and Tell! Go see what the rest of the class is showing!

This picture was taken almost exactly a year ago. That is me (wincing at the tattoo...) and my daughter, A at the beach in Kauai. That morning, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant for the third time, a couple of months after our first miscarriage. I remember taking the test in the dark condo bathroom, and walking out to show my husband, big smile on my face, lots of fear in my heart. I cried on the white sand, staring at the Pacific, while my daughter and husband played. That was two days into our much-anticipated Hawaiian vacation, and I immediately wanted to go home to have my betas checked NOW and set up an ultrasound. While we were still in paradise, and our almost-two-year-old was having the time of her life, I was not. I was terrified, and stuck on an island.

I attempted to keep my spirits up, trying to remind myself that two consecutive miscarriages is unlikely (HA!), that all would be okay this time, and hey, I was in KAUAI! It did start out okay, with doubling betas and a beautiful heartbeat seen at 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 weeks. Unfortunately, around 8 1/2 weeks, an ultrasound showed that her heart had stopped beating. The tech said, "Baby is quiet." The worst words a pregnant mom can hear. Needless to say, I was devastated, and genetic testing showed Trisomy 18, a condition worse than Down's that causes death shortly after birth, and more commonly, miscarriage.

Fast-forward to now, pregnant with twins at 7 weeks, and I am finding myself "crying on the beach" again, if you will. We saw their perfect heartbeats 6 days ago, and am hoping to see them again on Monday. This pregnancy seems to be okay so far, with lots of encouraging comments by our RE who reminds us that miscarriage at this stage is less than 5%. Very reassuring, but experience seems to override these facts, and all I can think of is the last time they told me my baby died. I am so scared it will happen again.

I've been thinking about this crying on the beach, and am sort of pissed off about the whole deal. I am a little angry at myself for not being able to let go of the past, and try to be in the moment; and a little angry at whoever runs the universe. I found myself today not able to fully enjoy something my daughter was doing (taking a shower by herself, with us right outside the tub) because all I could be was SAD that she was growing up, and what if we never have another baby? I hate how her growing up can be so bittersweet for me since we have been trying to have a sibling for her for a year and a half, with three miscarriages.

I am trying to live in the moment, enjoying what is happening right now, but man, it is hard for me. I find myself Googling "miscarriage rates after fetal heartbeat" at least three times a day, and am noticing all the links are already clicked on. My computer is even sending me a message: "Already read it. Move the F on!" It is so amazing to read others' blogs, so full of hope and without a hint of fear, and I am in awe and truly amazed at these strong women. I want to be that strong. I am hoping that when we see them on Monday, the twins' hearts are beating strong, and they are growing as they should. I am so hopeful but when something is so desperately wanted, there is a long way to fall.

Resolutions for the week: no more crying on the beach. Only Google after 9 pm (am too tired to do anything then usually). Be present. Come up with some positive affirmations--I am open to suggestions.

Show and Tell: Meet A and B!

The awesome Dr. D did an early ultrasound today, warning me we might not see the sac yet. We did; we saw TWO! I am speechless ... and overjoyed.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing over here!

Show and Tell: Blessings (child mentioned)

Inspired by this post over at IVF Girl, for Show and Tell, I'd like to count my blessings. Research tells us gratitude improves our health and state of mind, and since I do my fair share of whining, it is time for some stock-taking of blessings.

1. My daughter, A. Her giant spirit in her almost three year-old body inspires so much joy in so many. She is kind, bright and truly loving of others. I want a sibling for her so deeply, but will always be eternally grateful to carried and raised her. The way she smells, smiles, laughs.

2. My husband, who is so understanding and supportive of the girls in his life. We lean on him so much!

3. My moms. I am so lucky to have the most kind and compassionate mother, and my husband's mom is AWESOME. She flies up here from many states away to help at the drop of a hat.

4. I am pregnant. As I've been laid up with nasty OHSS, I am increasingly worried about the pregnancy after our miscarriages. I am scared the beta won't double, the baby won't be healthy, but am clinging to hope, and taking so much strength from the optimism of all you wonderful bloggy girls.

5. The Internet and my DVR during the bed-resting stint. Blogs and Grey's Anatomy. What else do I need?

6. Stretchy pants. OHSS belly without stretchy pants would be a disaster. Worse, I'd be naked from the waist down.

7. Dill pickles. No, that isn't a pregnancy thing, I just love them. My daughter asks for them for breakfast.

8. My friends, IRL and here. I can't imagine how we'd have gone through our miscarriages and treatments (and now, pregnancy worries) without the friends who comment, email, stop by with tulips and generally cheer us on. I am so blessed to have you.

9. Mel and the Stirrup Queens gang for allowing me to find a place here.

10. Another chance. Please grow baby. GROW.

I am overwhelmed by the comments and kind words left on my blog the last few days. You gals have no idea how much strength I draw from your words. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Go check out what the rest of the class is showing today!

Show and Tell: I've got 22 of these!

Still woozy after retrieval, but had to show and tell the class that we had 22 eggs retrieved! Now I am just really crampy and sore but so grateful! I hope we've got some mature eggs in that batch ready to grow into healthy embroys! Fertilization report tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect to hear, but I am hoping that it is good news.

See what the rest of the class is up to over at Stirrup Queens.

Show and Tell

This view is one of the reasons I love living in the Pacific Northwest. My husband and I hiked up the back of Tiger Mountain, in the Cascade Foothills last weekend. I was trying to get as much intensive exercise as I could before I started stimulation drugs last night and was told to take it easy. *As a side note, she told me it was possible that a fallopian tube could get twisted if I strained myself too much during stimulation. To this, I laughed hysterically and said, "Remember! No tubes in there- who knew that would be a good thing?" She found a reason to get off the phone quickly.*

Anyway, I was thinking, while hiking up this damned steep mountain, that it was just a little farther, around the next bend, behind the trees. It was making me crazy, not being able to see the point we we headed to, but just having to trust that it was there... and it was. It was breathtakingly beautiful- a cloudy, Seattle day that always feels like home to me. As we panted and caught our breath, looking out, I was struck that Infertility is a lot like hiking.

I promise not to get too cheesy here, and I know the whole thing can easily be compared to a race, but what struck me on this particular day, was that when you hike up a mountain you have no idea where you are going... you might have a map, but the trees and elevation make it so that your destination is hidden for most of the journey.

This is how I feel lately, on our seemingly never ending quest for another child. After the miscarriages, tubal surgery and multiple delays, I am finally starting off on the IVF adventure. I feel terrified to look ahead too far and lose my place, or worse, my nerve. The thoughts of getting canceled, this not working, miscarrying again are staggering and I am working very hard to remain positive. At this point, one foot in front of the other seems to be the way to go. While hiking Tiger, I kept asking DH, "How much further?" and he would tell me, "I don't know, but we're getting closer." That about sums up this journey to hold a baby again. I don't know how far away it is, but we are getting closer. And when we finally make it, the view will be worth the pain and effort a thousand times over.

Go see what everyone else at Stirrup Queen's Show and Tell is up to- and leave them a comment! :)

Show and Tell:

For Show and Tell (from Mel at the Stirrup Queens), I share an affirmation I found after my second miscarriage. I remember the feeling throughout my whole body: I lost something. I felt that my body was mourning just as my heart was. I read this frequently, and although it is bittersweet, it inspires me to keep trying.




A Mother's Prayer or Affirmation After Miscarriage

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this oul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

by Stacey Dinner-Levin