Hope, creeping in

*Thanks to each and every one of you who commented on our last post and gave us so much support. I loved reading all of those comments, and keep looking them over again. Whoever put it up on LFCA, a special thank you!*

Since we learned on Saturday night that we are not carrying twins, as we'd thought for four weeks, but triplets, it has been a cycle of disbelief, shock, excitement and acceptance. I felt comfortable with the slightly increased risk of fraternal twins, but now we are dealing with identical twins with a fraternal triplet, which comes with many more risks.

The identical twins can have a unique problem (since they most likely share a placenta) called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, where one twin "donates" its blood to the other through the placenta, making both ill. One or both twins can die from this condition which affects 10-20% of identical twin pregnancies. I have done quite a bit of reading about it and in the last ten years, many new treatments have shown promise, such as a laser ablation surgery that operates on the placenta while the babies are in utero. There are other therapies that can help, and if worst comes to worst, they will sometimes tie the cord of the sickest twin, sacrificing it and saving the healthier twin. This sounds terrible and it is, but it is does not occur with every pregnancy. The MFM clinic I will be going to starting on Monday (woo hoo!) is the only clinic in six states to perform the laser surgery.

Also the risk of preterm labor and low birth weight is higher with triplets. They are happy if triplets get to 32 weeks. Bed rest, medications, and cerclage are a few treatments that can help delay labor, but they are no guarantee.

Now that I have laid out the biggest risks, and my biggest worries, let me say: we are getting used to the idea. At first, we started talking about reduction which has its own risk of miscarriage. But I've read a lot and talked to some helpful nurses and doctors, and I am starting to wonder: can we do this? My husband very much worries about the time after they are born which would be INSANE, even with help, but I worry mostly about the pregnancy, clearly. I worry that I'd be on bed rest for a long time and my daughter would hate it.

Despite all these worries, we are starting to feel that we do not want to reduce. I have no religious convictions about it whatsoever, and am completely pro-choice, but I am not sure if I can do it. After seeing the tiny gummy bear-like shapes floating around inside of me, and the strong flickering of all three of their hearts, I don't know if I have it in my heart to stop it. We adore them already. That said, if our MFM doctors advise us that we really should or must, we will reconsider.

For now, I am trying to make myself eat because suddenly, the nausea is much worse, and cannot sleep. I get so overheated at night, that I open our window and stand in front of it while the cool air comes in. The only time I sleep well is from about 4 am on, and my daughter gets up at 6. After the scary bleeding, I am so happy to have symptoms to reassure me! I am reading triplet blogs, with good and sad endings, and learning more about identical twins. I am being hopeful, and am secretly chanting in my mind: "We can do this." I hope I am right.

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." -Christopher Reeve

Could you repeat that?

Are you sitting down? Because you might want to.

I started to spot last night, and called the RE on call, crying. She said it was probably the hematoma and to come in Sunday (today) for an ultrasound. It didn't stop, and I felt terrified, so we went to our local urgent care and they did an ultrasound. The sonographer who said she'd been doing OB ultrasound for 20 years, didn't see the hematoma, and it looked like it bled out. She did, however, see something unexpected: a third baby. I told her she was wrong about ten times, and then my husband said, "I see it too." The look of shock on his face, while the sonographer giggled were quite a contrast.

An ultrasound at my RE revealed today that yes, in fact, I am carrying triplets. Apparently, one of the blastocysts we transferred split into identical twins. Holy. Shit. All babies are measuring at exactly 8 weeks (perfect!) and their heartbeats were all the same at 175. The good news is the twins are in their own amniotic sacs, which protects them from many complications.

We are in shock- and our thoughts are all over the place. Here is a sampling:

1. Obviously, triplet pregnancies are more risky than twins. Some of the complications: preterm labor, lower birth weight, preeclampsia.

2. Identical twins can have Twin to Twin transfusion. We don't yet know if they share a placenta.

3. We would LOVE to have all these babies. I stay at home and we have resources to hire a nanny when we need help. We can afford a minivan.

4. We only want a healthy pregnancy. If we are counseled to reduce the pregnancy by terminating the twins, we will, but we really do not want to. We COULD NOT reduce to twins, since they are in the same sac. If we had to reduce, it would most likely be to the singleton.

5. I want to embrace this and go with it, but we are taking the time to let it sink in. I am going to meet with the MFM doctor this week for more counseling. I am hoping they can help us make a really educated decision.

6. Our RE said they cannot counsel us, but that this situation is unique and could have lots of problems, or none at all.

We are so unsure of what is going to happen, but we are so thankful that all of the babies are doing well, and growing inside mommy. We so appreciate everyone's support and positive comments!

Dear Heidi Klum,

Dear Heidi Klum,

Not only are you a gorgeous supermodel with long legs, great hair and a perfect face, apparently you are also extremely fertile. You are pregnant with your fourth child.

Truly, congratulations are in order, but I have to say, I am a wee bit jealous. You seem to be able to pop out ADORABLE children with your rich and famous husband, Seal with ease. After giving birth, you are able to get back your amazing body and be on the Vitcoria's Secret runway 3 months postpartum.

It is possible that you've had some secret battle with infertility, but I sort of doubt it since your kids are all close together... but who knows? Maybe I am wrong.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you've given Infertile America a reason to be jealous, along with every other woman in the world who wishes her body looked like yours in a swimsuit.

Green with envy,
Carrie

7w4d

I am hesitant to put this up on the side of my page yet... too scary. But I love looking at it and watching them float around in their virtual womb. I know it will change every day, and right now it says "32 Weeks, 3 Days Remaining"! I am so happy to be almost to the nine week mark. Most people get excited at 10 weeks, or when the first trimester is over, but our losses were always before 9 weeks and I think I will feel a small bit of security when we make it past there. (Well, we found out about one at 10, but baby had stopped growing weeks before).

I woke up today anxious, and told my husband I didn't feel very pregnant. Then I took a shower and could not see my feet for the GIANT boobs, and felt a little better. Then I spent the rest of the day feeling hungry and then super nauseated, sure I was going to throw up at the grocery store when I walked by the soups in the deli and the cleaning supply aisle. Then I slept for 2 hours this afternoon, woke up and made popcorn which smells awful and now am nauseous again; all the windows are open, trying to get the smell out. So I guess I do feel pregnant after all, and it is so very comforting. Both of my later miscarriages were "missed miscarriages" which means that no real bleeding or cramping started on it's own, and we found out on ultrasound, shocked. When I do "feel" more pregnant, with more symptoms, I am extremely grateful because I did notice a decrease or lack of symptoms with the losses.

We have another week until our ultrasound, and I am cautiously hopeful and yet so scared. This will be when we found out our daughter's heart had stopped, so it will be a big milestone to pass hopefully.

My new favorite thing: maternity belly bands! I am wearing mine daily now, and I know I am not even eight weeks yet, but SERIOUS belly. I cannot zip the jeans, and this little band of elastic is my new best friend. All my friends are saying that I won't be able to hide it much longer- and honestly, they are just being kind. It is obvious now, and I know people know, I just can't bear to tell a lot of people (besides the world wide webs). I think I will feel more ready to share (since my abs are not holding the uterus in) after we see them, hopefully all healthy and growing next week.

Ultrasound- 7w1d

Two perfect heartbeats, one huge sigh of relief! Again, one baby was further away from the probe, but they are both doing well, and are about the same size.

The babies look perfect, with one measuring right on at 7w1d and one ahead at 7w6d, both with identical heartbeats of 145.61. Exactly the same! They are both growing as they should, and our doctor said she could not be happier. She noted how huge my ovaries are still, contributing to the massive "showing" belly, and that my uterus is already "out of my pelvis" because they are twins. I told her out of my pelvis, and out of my jeans! They've been unbuttoned a lot the last few days.

They saw a very small subchorionic hematoma which is where a blood clot forms in the uterus, causing no symptoms or bleeding in some. I have not had any bleeding and they said because it is small, it may not. It can cause rarely, miscarriage. As soon as the doctor said this, my husband looked at her like "Why did you have to tell her that??" I have a dear friend who is a worrier like me (you know who you are) and she has had them in all three of her healthy pregnancies. She told me not to worry about it, that it is a non-issue most of the time. After much frantic Googling, it seems that since mine is small, and so far, asymptomatic, the prognosis is good.

Everything else looks great! I am seriously so big now that it is getting hard to hide it from the world, so I think we'll be telling some friends this week. While this does scare me, if we lost another pregnancy we'd tell them, so I don't think it hurts to share happy news right now. I am truly as big as I was with A at 12-14 weeks, and am pondering: too early for maternity clothes? I bought a belly band thingamajig in the hope that it will keep me in regular pants longer.

I am going back for another ultrasound at 8.5 weeks, next Wednesday, since that is when we lost our daughter, in the hopes that it will provide lots of emotional reassurance, to see their little hearts beating. It is a scary week of pregnancy for me- this is when our Trisomy baby stopped developing, so we are very hopeful (and nervous).

Thanks so much to everyone for all of the support- I can truly feel the kindness in each comment.

When does the fear go away? *Child mentioned/pictured*

*Child mentioned and pictured*

Happy Show and Tell! Go see what the rest of the class is showing!

This picture was taken almost exactly a year ago. That is me (wincing at the tattoo...) and my daughter, A at the beach in Kauai. That morning, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant for the third time, a couple of months after our first miscarriage. I remember taking the test in the dark condo bathroom, and walking out to show my husband, big smile on my face, lots of fear in my heart. I cried on the white sand, staring at the Pacific, while my daughter and husband played. That was two days into our much-anticipated Hawaiian vacation, and I immediately wanted to go home to have my betas checked NOW and set up an ultrasound. While we were still in paradise, and our almost-two-year-old was having the time of her life, I was not. I was terrified, and stuck on an island.

I attempted to keep my spirits up, trying to remind myself that two consecutive miscarriages is unlikely (HA!), that all would be okay this time, and hey, I was in KAUAI! It did start out okay, with doubling betas and a beautiful heartbeat seen at 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 weeks. Unfortunately, around 8 1/2 weeks, an ultrasound showed that her heart had stopped beating. The tech said, "Baby is quiet." The worst words a pregnant mom can hear. Needless to say, I was devastated, and genetic testing showed Trisomy 18, a condition worse than Down's that causes death shortly after birth, and more commonly, miscarriage.

Fast-forward to now, pregnant with twins at 7 weeks, and I am finding myself "crying on the beach" again, if you will. We saw their perfect heartbeats 6 days ago, and am hoping to see them again on Monday. This pregnancy seems to be okay so far, with lots of encouraging comments by our RE who reminds us that miscarriage at this stage is less than 5%. Very reassuring, but experience seems to override these facts, and all I can think of is the last time they told me my baby died. I am so scared it will happen again.

I've been thinking about this crying on the beach, and am sort of pissed off about the whole deal. I am a little angry at myself for not being able to let go of the past, and try to be in the moment; and a little angry at whoever runs the universe. I found myself today not able to fully enjoy something my daughter was doing (taking a shower by herself, with us right outside the tub) because all I could be was SAD that she was growing up, and what if we never have another baby? I hate how her growing up can be so bittersweet for me since we have been trying to have a sibling for her for a year and a half, with three miscarriages.

I am trying to live in the moment, enjoying what is happening right now, but man, it is hard for me. I find myself Googling "miscarriage rates after fetal heartbeat" at least three times a day, and am noticing all the links are already clicked on. My computer is even sending me a message: "Already read it. Move the F on!" It is so amazing to read others' blogs, so full of hope and without a hint of fear, and I am in awe and truly amazed at these strong women. I want to be that strong. I am hoping that when we see them on Monday, the twins' hearts are beating strong, and they are growing as they should. I am so hopeful but when something is so desperately wanted, there is a long way to fall.

Resolutions for the week: no more crying on the beach. Only Google after 9 pm (am too tired to do anything then usually). Be present. Come up with some positive affirmations--I am open to suggestions.

Eating for 3

After seeing the twins' amazing heartbeats, I picked up a book that people say is the "Bible" for multiple pregnancies. It is called When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads by Dr. Barbara Luke and Tamara Eberlein. I dove into it, determined to have a "healthy multiple pregnancy" as the cover suggests and have pretty much finished it. It is written in a realistic way that addresses concerns, but doesn't sugarcoat the risks and challenges in a multiple pregnancy. She covers everything from selective reduction and screening to breastfeeding and birth.

She runs a "multiples" clinic where the babies have much higher than national average birth weights and go closer to 40 weeks. She conducted more than one large-scale study that showed a mother's weight gain early in the pregnancy is the most important indicator for healthy newborns. For example, she states a mother of twins should eat 3500 calories (!) and have gained 24 pounds by 20 weeks. Mothers who hit that weight goal were much less likely to have preterm labor or smaller babies. Apparently, while pregnant with multiples, all concern of heart disease and general gluttony go out the window.

When I say that her focus is weight gain and rest, I am not kidding. She has BMI tables, and suggests if you are at all underweight, you need to gain about 50 pounds. Well, I fall on the border of underweight and normal, so I am honestly going to try to gain 45 or so. It sounds CRAZY to me, since I gained 18 with my daughter, but I am trying to do absolutely everything I can to ensure those twins are nourished. My daughter was a relatively small 6 pounds, 7 ounces at full term, and most twins are born between 35-38 weeks, so there are less weeks to gain the weight they need. With my many aversions right now and hyper-sensitive nose, a lot less food sounds good than usually does. I would normally relish this chance to eat whatever I want, but I am very averse to all kinds of things, including meat, candy and cookies, seafood and chocolate. I know, what a weirdo, right?

Does this amount of weight freak me out? Yes, yes it does. I weigh myself daily, pregnant or not, and am a bit on the weight conscious side, so this does scare me a bit. After the birth of my daughter, I was back to my normal weight after two weeks (though things sagged and were softer) and if I gain 40+ pounds, that probably will not be the case. That is something I will let go of in exchange for heavier and therefore healthier twins. I don't expect them to weight 10 pounds each, but at least 6 would be cut their risk for many health problems. Stretch marks, here we come.

I keep telling my husband I will eat more "when it is for sure twins," but really, it is twins now, and they need nutrition now. If I am left with twins at 24 weeks, that means I have to gain (since I am almost 7 weeks) 24 lbs in the next 17 weeks, and waiting until the NT scan would only leave me with nine weeks to gain all that, so here I am, chowing down now. I am starting to pooch out already, and I've gained about a pound, but my pants are already tighter in the waist... could this be? Will I be in a bella band at 8 weeks? Anyone with multiples show early?

Here are some of my weight gaining strategies:

1. No exercise, really. Well, I can't anyway, because of the lingering OHSS.
2. Doughnuts. Krispy Kreme is down the hill.
3. Milk shakes. Drinking calories can be easier than packing in all the food.
4. Eating out. I consume more calories dining out than when I cook at home.
5. I've started drinking OJ- lots of calories.
6. Clearly, I need more strategies, but 3500 is A LOT and it is hard to do.

Off to contemplate dinner. Onion rings and grilled cheese sound awfully good.

Only 4 days until we get to see our twins again... eek!

Really, I'm all over the place

Sorry- a bit blurry. Note that they are in fact the same shape and size, but A was further away from Wanda, so B looks bigger. You can see the fetal pole and yolk sac on B (left).

Last night I had the most terrifying dream. I dreamed that started spotting and went to the doctor where they were unable to find a heartbeat for either baby. I basically was hysterical and my husband was with me too. I cried so hard they couldn't understand me when I was asking if I had to have a D & C. After that, my doctor prescribed Morphine (!) and told me to come back in a few days. I walked outside, suddenly alone in a hot parking lot, and wandered around, lost and weeping.

So clearly, nightmare. My subconscious seems to be tracking me down at night and reminding me of my fears, as if I could forget them! I wish I could dream of a big pregnant belly and newborns, but I have yet to truly dream about being pregnant. I am pretty sure that this represents my slowness to accept the pregnancy, and my fear that it won't continue. I am so scared that sometimes someone is talking to me and I can't hear them; I am busy calculating the risks, my symptoms, how I felt the last couple times. I am trying to get over it.

I am trying to take comfort in the fact that my boobs hurt SO badly, I feel like I will vomit at any moment (but never do), and how exhausted I am. I want to embrace it on so many levels, but for now, I seem to be adopting a day-to-day approach. Pregnancy after loss is a bit of a war within your mind. Every day the following thoughts cycle through my brain, in no particular order:

"I feel sicker than I have with any other pregnancy- great sign."
"I saw a heartbeat before and that did not work out well. We lost her."
"I must be positive! Dr. S said only 3-4%. Good stats for us!"
"What is that weird twitching in my cervix? Preterm labor?!"
"Everything will be all right."
"I can't deal with another loss."
"If we lose one twin, hopefully the other will be healthy."

Those are just a few of my jumbled thoughts. This picture makes me feel MUCH better, and remembering the flickering of their perfect hearts is comforting. Only five more days until we get to see them again. I hope they are continuing to grow and thrive inside me!

Any other moms feel this way after loss? Any sage wisdom from my bloggy friends?

Two Perfect Heartbeats

...and two overjoyed parents!

We saw the two perfectly round sacs with our precious babies in them, and that amazing flickering of a beating heart in each. Both measured at exactly 6w1d (perfect!) and both had heart rates in the 130-140's, but Dr. S was counting them so it is an approximation. But beating they were! He said one embryo was much closer to the probe than the other one, so B seemed bigger than A, but they measured exactly the same. Picture to follow, but it isn't a great angle, so A looks little compared to B.

I am so grateful and excited! I tried to push the last pregnancy out of my mind, where we saw our daughter's heartbeat and then it stopped, and mostly succeeded. I asked him what the chance of miscarriage is now, after seeing fetal cardiac activity and he said 3-4%. I told him I'd been in that percentage before and he reminded me that the trisomy our daughter had recurs rarely, and all trisomies are less common in people our ages. That did make me feel better.

We also spoke a little about what happens next. Next week (week 7) I will have another ultrasound, and then again at weeks 9 and 10. After that, I will be transferring to a high-risk OB who Dr. S feels is the best in Seattle. I spoke with their office today and am having my records transferred now. They scheduled my nuchal translucency screening for May 18th, at 11 weeks, and then I will (hopefully) begin seeing them regularly. They told me to plan 3 hours (!) for the appointment, and when I asked why the coordinator laughed and said, "That ultrasound will take at least 90 minutes. Remember, they have to look at everything twice!" After the ultrasound, we see a genetic counselor and if anything is wrong can do a CVS right there. Then I meet with the OB.

It seems so far away, to be going to this appointment, and knowing so much about the babies, but really, it is only a month! I hope the next five weeks bring continued health for our little babies, and continued peace for us. We could not be happier or more thankful.

Speaking of thankful, thank all of you who give me so much strength. You are amazing!

Come Monday

Jimmy Buffet has fueled many a margarita-fueled beach party, and while I love the carefree "summery" feeling to his music, I have a deeper connection with his music (you can stop laughing now). A very important person in my family's life, A, another father figure of mine who passed away too soon at 49 introduced me to his music when I was about ten. A also had the calm and laid back attitude that Jimmy adopts in much of his music. I remember him saying to me, a frequent Wemberly not to worry because "worry is like interest paid on a debt that never comes due." He was right. Absolutely right, and I wish I could be that relaxed about what the future holds, but as you know, that is not my strong suit.

Even while A fought aggressive cancer, while going through awful chemo, and finally, passing away at home with his many who loved him sitting on his bed, I never saw him wallow or say, "why me?". It was not in his nature, and I aspire to be like him. I was always afraid that I would remember vividly how he looked and felt at the end of his life, wasted away and in excruciating pain, but I do not think of that very often. When I think of him, I think of his laugh, his love of food, dogs and the Beach Boys and Jimmy Buffet. He will always be grilling steaks with the sun on his face and his laugh will always echo in my mind. It was an amazing laugh, deep and honest.

I picture what he would say to me at hard or worrisome times in my life and I think if I talked to him tonight, and told him I was anxious about my ultrasound, he'd remind me that worrying doesn't make anything better, and he might sing some of "Don't Worry Baby" over the phone. Then he would make me laugh.

When thinking of the big scan tomorrow, and sitting alone in my kitchen, I turned on Jimmy Buffet's "Come Monday" and cried. I cried from worry, from missing A, and wishing he was here to tell me it would be all right. So I let Jimmy do it instead.

"Come Monday, it'll be all right. Come Monday, I'll be holding you tight..."

AACK!

I love to shop. As in, I could spend hours walking around a mall, Target or even Costco. I am a huge fan of our consumerist society and I do my very best to support the economy. About twice a year, we head to the outlets about an hour from our house and stock up for the season. There is a JCrew, Banana, Gap, and lots of children's clothing stores. This is usually a place where I am in heaven, carrying around armloads of stuff before deciding what to take home. We are frugal- this is not a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus, but we get to update our wardrobes a bit and have fun in the process.

So when my husband said he needed some new work shirts and wanted to visit to the outlets on Saturday, he was shocked when I practically burst into tears. I instantly pictured myself wandering around, not trying on pants because serious OHSS gut is still in the house. I also thought of not buying fitted shirts (see previous) but not buying maternity shirts, because I've made that mistake in early pregnancy before and we all know how that ended: cute shirts with the tags on, still in a big plastic bin. I also can't buy baby clothes, because TALK ABOUT JINX. I am a bit (read: freakishly) superstitious after our losses, and won't buy anything until I am as close to feeling safe as I can, and I am not there yet. I am not feeling safe.

Which brings us to the underlying emotions that almost made me cry at the mention of new JCrew khakis: fear and uncertainty. I cannot be certain what is going to happen with this pregnancy and therefore am feeling pretty freaked out about the future. I don't want to buy an outfit, thinking, "this will fit for a few months, and the shirt will be perfect for longer" when, honestly, who the heck knows what is going to happen? I know I "should" be exclusively positive, but I am quite sure that is impossible for me. I am absolutely terrified of losing the babies, of losing one baby, of not seeing heartbeats on Monday. I have roughly 67 hours (but who's counting?) before our scan, where we may or may not see healthy babies (please, please let them be okay) thus making me feel safe for now, or delivering not good news. I hate this position, and I've been in it too many times now. Putting the groceries away today, I saw my hands shaking, thinking about getting up on Monday and driving to the appointment. I will be a wreck by the time we roll into the clinic.

So now I am faced with the decision: should I stay or should I go? I could use the distraction, and as one friend pointed out, they have a Coach outlet. Buy a purse and some shoes! I am just terrified that I will be wondering the whole time: will this pregnancy make it? I may not be able to pick up a sundress without serious heart palpitations. Did anyone read "Cathy," the comic strip? You know how she used to run out of stores screaming "AACK!"? Well, that could be me. I am aware this level of anxiety about purchasing clothing is unwarranted, but it speaks to how scared I am. And how much I want my babies to live. Grow babies, grow.

The question remains: should I stay or should I go? And could someone send pregnancy-safe Valium immediately?

Oh, My Aching Head

I have had a headache for at least 48 hours, and it will NOT go away. No amount of ice compresses or rest, eating or drinking, or the ridiculous excuse for a pain reliever, Tylenol are doing a thing. While it is quite annoying to have this nagging feeling that someone is beating me in the head with a bat, I am so glad to have pregnancy symptoms. Before this, all I had was an insatiable appetite and the need for lots of sleep, but now, we are in full hormonal hell here. And I am loving it! My only healthy pregnancy, our A four years ago, brought on headaches like this one, so I am taking some comfort in the fact that I am having real side effects, and that is a good sign.

I have never thrown up while pregnant, although I feel very nauseated and sensitive to smells. Sometimes I wish I could throw up to feel better, but then I recall my friend who threw up about 10 times a day and lost weight for a while, and I am glad I am not actually throwing up. I think that might make it hard to hide the whole pregnancy thing, too. I can picture myself at toddler group, talking to another mom, when I suddenly vomit in a garbage can. It might give me away, no?

The big ultrasound is on Monday, the day after Easter. I will be 6w2d. We saw a heartbeat in our last pregnancy at this point. I. Am. So. Nervous. I have been given bad news twice during an OB ultrasound- once when our daughter's heart had stopped, and once when we found out about the blighted ovum. My hubby is coming with me, thank goodness, but I know as it draws nearer, I will be more anxious. What am I worried about? Let me break it down for you:

1. That their hearts will not be beating.
2. Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Happens in about 20% of all twin pregnancies, so a REAL possibility.
3. Something else I can't predict ... the possibilities are endless, and every time I read a horror story, or scary twin pregnancy thing, I find another thing to freak the F out about.

I am sure this list will grow at each stage, but that is me. I worry. I prepare for the worst and try to hope for the best. I am desperate for them to stay and be healthy. I want to hold them in 8 months, smell their skin, stare at their perfect faces for hours.

And here we are, back to the endless waiting that infertility brings. Monday cannot come soon enough.

On the name front: thank you for your ideas! I am leaning toward Gossie and Gertie or Snoopy and Charlie Brown right now. :)

I am honored!

Today, two of my friends, Photogrl at Not the Path I Chose and Ashley at Only God Knows When nominated me for my first ever bloggy award, The Sisterhood Award! I am so touched that anyone else even reads this crazy blog. :)

Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award

I hereby nominate, for their constant support of their fellow IF'ers, their authenticity, kindness and fierce strength in the face of infertility:

1. Barefoot and NOT Pregnant
2. Our Life in a Nut Chell
3. Conceive This!
4. What IF?
5. The Real Bean
6. Love.With.Caution
7. What to Expect when you're NOT Expecting
8. Just Another Infertility Blog
9. In Search of Biscuit 2.0
10. IVF Chick

Name the Sacs

We are so thrilled with yesterday's news and so touched by each and every comment and well wish! Thank you. I was so excited that there appeared to be one healthy embryo growing yesterday, but two is extra special! I am quite aware of the heightened risks of twin pregnancies, and that there is still a possibility of vanishing twin syndrome, where one twin disappears, but we are trying to be as optimistic as possible. I feel very confident that medicine knows much more about how to have a healthy twin pregnancy than before, and we live near some amazing high-risk OB's and a Level 3 NICU. I am trying to educate myself about the risks and ways to take care of myself in the hope that both twins make it, and we are holding two babies in December.

Beta came back (for 16 days post 5 day transfer, or 16dp5dt at 5594. Looking good!!

With all the positivity and optimism coursing through my veins, I am thinking Sacs A and B need names. Because, seriously, we can't call them Sacs A and B forever!

Help me out, Internets, and offer up some ideas.

Show and Tell: Meet A and B!

The awesome Dr. D did an early ultrasound today, warning me we might not see the sac yet. We did; we saw TWO! I am speechless ... and overjoyed.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing over here!

Thank you

Your comments and support have been amazing! Not only have my bloggy friends been supportive and full of hugs, my IRL friends have been awesome too! One of my friends dropped by and took my daughter to the park, since I can't walk very far yet. It was so thoughtful- and allowed me a few minutes of breathing room. It is hard to keep it together all day and not cry too much.

I am still quite nervous and am terrified of losing the baby. I talked to my awesome nurse and they are doing another beta today since I am going in for an OHSS check. On that front, the OHSS seems to be receding, which is good, but scares me. I thought OHSS meant rising HCG... is this a bad sign?

Welcome to my neuroses. I will update with the beta later.

Elipsis (...)

I am worried. It is unfounded, hypothetical worry, but there nonetheless. I am terrified of losing this baby. I am so angry that the miscarriages, the losses of our babies, have taken away my ability to be optimistic about a pregnancy. I hate that I spend so much of my time trying to calculate statistics of pregnancy loss at each stage, the recurrence of Trisomy 18, and how long I have until the baby is "safe". Here's the thing: there is no safe state of pregnancy. I am not trying to be harsh, but we assume that a pink line and a doubling beta mean baby in nine months. In my experience, that is not the case in 3 out of 4 pregnancies. We even saw the heart beat of our daughter twice before she died.

I want so much to be sure everything will be okay and that this baby will live long enough to come into the world and be loved by us, but I am not sure. I am scared. I told a group of very close friends today that I am pregnant, and was immediately remembering all the times I had to tell them I was not pregnant anymore. I wish I wasn't reliving the losses, and thinking ahead, but I am so scared to get attached to someone who may not be able to stay. I was looking at SPALS (Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss Support) online, and their logo is literally a question mark inside a pregnant belly which seems appropriate. Maybe I feel more like an elispis. An elipsis (you know "...") "can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence." I hope it is only a pause in speech, a "wait a little longer" and more will come.

I said to someone today, "If I lose this pregnancy, I don't think I will be able to handle it." But that is not true. I have handled it too many times and kept on trying, kept on hoping that we will be lucky enough to have another baby. I wish there was some way to have a guarantee, to be assured that all will end well, but there is no such guarantee. Nothing truly comforts me right now, except knowing that I have done this before, and lived to tell (blog?) about it.

I am afraid the baby feels my fear, my hesitation at being attached. Obviously, I know that baby is the size of a poppy seed, and probably not aware of my thoughts, but still. I want to be EXCITED! I want to look at the baby development pictures without shuddering, want to put on some maternity pants for the OHSS belly's sake, but am too afraid that I will be inviting trouble.

We lost two pregnancies around 9 weeks, and I am only 4 1/2. How am I going to make it? Will I feel better after 9 weeks? Has anyone experienced a healthy pregnancy after loss? How did you stay positive and hopeful?

Stay, baby, stay. Grow, baby, grow. You are so very wanted.

(Back to the RE for OHSS monitoring and maybe repeat paracentesis tomorrow.)