(And one day, seven hours and fifty minutes.)
(And a meltdown! You knew it was coming after all of that positivity.)
This morning, I had an ultrasound and saw the growing boys. They looked perfect- their Dopplers were great (no signs of TTTS) and all three had nice strong heartbeats, even fluid and were practicing breathing! Both Dr. P and the sonographer said it is a great sign to see breathing movements already and they don't expect to see it until closer to 28 weeks. Good job, boys!
My cervix was 2.1 - 2.4 which is pretty close to what it was when I was admitted. The lower number has not changed and Dr. P was very happy with that. She said the new meds and increased rest seem to be keeping me stable here and she thought my cervix would make 28 weeks.
We talked about how long I'll be here most likely:
Me: So I am in for a while?
Dr. P: I thought I'd have to fight to keep you here!
Me: Well, I know how important the next twenty days are to get us to 28 weeks, and I really want to be safe.
Dr. P: That sounds very reasonable. Let's check in about it every week after we see your cervix and make decisions as we go. You contract less here, and you rest more than you would at home, so it makes sense.
Now, to the normal person, this conversation would seem to go great, right? Not for me: as soon as she walked out of the room I burst into tears. I called my husband who was in a meeting and dear friend to hash it out. What I figured out is that I wanted her to tell me I HAD to stay for the babies; that it was the best thing and I was doing a good job. I wanted her to remind me that although I was away from my daughter every day, I NEEDED to be here for the boys. Instead, I felt like I should've fought her, wanted to go home to be with my family, and damn, I am kind of a selfish woman. (Cool-ish bedside manner and hormonal lady don't communicate well...)
The thing is, I have children in two places and I want to be with all of them. Despite her frequent visits, Skype sessions and phone calls, I miss my daughter painfully, and I miss my husband. I hate being away from the place where their lives happen each day. On the other hand, A seems to be doing really well with all the change, and might even be happier than when I was at home but couldn't do anything for or with her. I think it was extremely confusing for me to be home, but not involved much. When she comes here, she can catch up with me, snuggle, eat and play here, and seems to have no confusion about why I do not come home with her. I am so proud of her.
I feel in my heart that this is the right place for the boys and me to remain until they are past that magical week. By then, my cervix may be down to not much or it could be the same, but either way, I want to know that I am doing every single thing I can to buy them these next three weeks. Hopefully, they will come quickly and I might be home again with my family at 30 weeks or more, knowing that the most important time of growth happened here.
Preview for tomorrow: the technology that gets me through the days and the techie to whom I am married.