Monday, August 24, 2009

25 weeks!

(And one day, seven hours and fifty minutes.)

(And a meltdown! You knew it was coming after all of that positivity.)

This morning, I had an ultrasound and saw the growing boys. They looked perfect- their Dopplers were great (no signs of TTTS) and all three had nice strong heartbeats, even fluid and were practicing breathing! Both Dr. P and the sonographer said it is a great sign to see breathing movements already and they don't expect to see it until closer to 28 weeks. Good job, boys!

My cervix was 2.1 - 2.4 which is pretty close to what it was when I was admitted. The lower number has not changed and Dr. P was very happy with that. She said the new meds and increased rest seem to be keeping me stable here and she thought my cervix would make 28 weeks.

We talked about how long I'll be here most likely:

Me: So I am in for a while?
Dr. P: I thought I'd have to fight to keep you here!
Me: Well, I know how important the next twenty days are to get us to 28 weeks, and I really want to be safe.
Dr. P: That sounds very reasonable. Let's check in about it every week after we see your cervix and make decisions as we go. You contract less here, and you rest more than you would at home, so it makes sense.

Now, to the normal person, this conversation would seem to go great, right? Not for me: as soon as she walked out of the room I burst into tears. I called my husband who was in a meeting and dear friend to hash it out. What I figured out is that I wanted her to tell me I HAD to stay for the babies; that it was the best thing and I was doing a good job. I wanted her to remind me that although I was away from my daughter every day, I NEEDED to be here for the boys. Instead, I felt like I should've fought her, wanted to go home to be with my family, and damn, I am kind of a selfish woman. (Cool-ish bedside manner and hormonal lady don't communicate well...)

The thing is, I have children in two places and I want to be with all of them. Despite her frequent visits, Skype sessions and phone calls, I miss my daughter painfully, and I miss my husband. I hate being away from the place where their lives happen each day. On the other hand, A seems to be doing really well with all the change, and might even be happier than when I was at home but couldn't do anything for or with her. I think it was extremely confusing for me to be home, but not involved much. When she comes here, she can catch up with me, snuggle, eat and play here, and seems to have no confusion about why I do not come home with her. I am so proud of her.

I feel in my heart that this is the right place for the boys and me to remain until they are past that magical week. By then, my cervix may be down to not much or it could be the same, but either way, I want to know that I am doing every single thing I can to buy them these next three weeks. Hopefully, they will come quickly and I might be home again with my family at 30 weeks or more, knowing that the most important time of growth happened here.

Preview for tomorrow: the technology that gets me through the days and the techie to whom I am married.


  1. I know it must be so difficult to be away from your daughter, but you are in the right place, the safest place for your boys. You are doing the best that you can for all your kiddos. Honestly, when I read your doctor's protocal, I often wonder why the heck my doctor didn't do such things for me. You are in good hands, girlfriend!

  2. Hon, you all are doing the best you can for your entire family and that is what matter! I can't probably imagine how difficult it must be to stay away from A... but this will pass and you will all be one big happy family soon! I am glad you are getting the best attention and treatment at the hospital... you all deserve it! Your DH seems to be an awesome Daddy to A and seems so supportive... you must be proud of him!

  3. Oh, man. I can't even imagine how you're holding it you can see, I'm a mess and I pretty much have no reason to be!!

    That is super-cool that you're able to Skype from the hospital, though -- technology is pretty cool and I can't wait to hear more about how you're set up these days!

    And it's fabulous to hear that your cervix is cooperating and the boys are ahead of schedule. Now if only your doctor could get a bit more hormonal so that you could communicatem more effectively. ;)

  4. Don't worry for a second that you weren't fighting to go home! You know that your daughter is safe and doing well at home, whereas your boys are doing better and are probably safer in the're making the best choices for everyone, even though of course it's hardest on YOU. Hang in there hon.

  5. Thinking of you. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but you are in the right place for your boys. Soon, you can shower all 4 of your children with lots of love. :-D

  6. I am following your journey and praying for more days.....I know this must be hard to be so confined...but cannot wait to see the babies....

  7. Patients who fight too hard to go home get sent home, and then some of them regret it.

    You are married to a techie guy from Seattle? Shocking! ;)

    Hooray for 25!

  8. Oh, if only doctors would say EXACTLY what we wanted to hear! With pregnancy hormones and missing your family, I'm sure this is emotional for you. But you know in your heart this is where you should be, then by all means, STAY! We often know better than our doctors anyway.

    Praying for you!

  9. Yea 25 weeks!! Only three to go until you can take a deep breath! I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping those boys safe. If staying in the hospital will help you get to the safe zone, then it's better for your whole family in the long run-even if it means missing them for a little while. Think of how far you have come-only a little bit longer now.

    I actually envy you a little bit because you are being monitored constantly and in a place where help would be quick. I cry just thinking about being in the hospital, away from my husband and dog (sad, I know). But there are other times I wish I was there because I wouldn't be obsessing over every little twinge! So, here's a toast to another 3 weeks going by quickly (insert a photo of your favorite beverage here). I think it's very unfortunate that alcohol is not safe in pregnancy because I think a margarita would really take the edge off right now for me!! Hugs and good thoughts!

  10. I can't even imagine what you're going through, hun! I would be LOST without my husband and I can't even imagine what it would be like to be stuck in the hospital while he's at home living his life. I would be so lost. I hope the weeks fly by for you and that you hit that magical number, soon!

  11. You are a brave and fantastic woman - you are right where you need to be. Dr P is a skilled physician and I'm glad you have her - the rest of us will be warm and fuzzy for you, it's just not her thing :)
    Hugs, Mom

  12. Woo Hoo!!! 25w!!!

    I know it is hard... It is oh so hard. But just think about it one day at a time. As hard as it is to be away from your sweet daughter, each day you are in the hospital is a day that your boys are NOT in the NICU. You can do this, honey. We both can. And with any luck, we will be home at our 28w marks and stay there until some happy 30s!!!

  13. Yay for the good news. And yes, you must stay put! ;)

  14. Oh honey!! Hang in are doing a GREAT job!!! I know it must be frustrating being away but it will be worth it!! Thinking of you...((HUGS))

  15. OK, you know you're in the right place for you and the boys, and probably even your daughter. I agree that it's got to be less confusing for her to have you be in hospital and visit you there than for her to have you at home but not the same active Mom she had before.
    Logically you've got all the right logic in place as to why you are where you are, you're just feeling lonely and guilty. I'm sure you can do this for 3-5 weeks to get your boys to a better place, so that they'll be bigger and stronger and more able to immediately bond with you and your family. And so that you won't be as exhausted and anxious about them being superprems in the NICU. You can do it! Cherish the time you have in person with your daughter and husband, post some pics of them and of your boys around your bed, and remember the suckiness is temporary, and you're doing what's most definitely best for 4 of the 6 people in your family!

  16. Oh boy! I know what you mean. Positive thoughts can only last so long when you have Wemberly in your life.

    That being said, you are doing the right thing for your family! I thought it was interesting that you said your daughter seems more at peace just visiting you and spending quality time instead of having you at home all the time, but not being able to really enjoy you.

    I think the doctor probably thought she was doing a favor for you by talking about the possibility of you going home at some point. This is what most people want. I probably wouldn't. If you are doing better for your boys there, then that is the place you should be and it sounds like your doctor agreed.

    In the long run, these few weeks devoted to growing your boys big and strong will be a distant memory and you will have no regrets.

    Maybe you should let the nurses know that Wemberly is not allowed to visit you at any time during your stay. . . :)

    Hang in there!

  17. Hang in there!!! You really are doing the best you can...I can't image how hard it is, but you're doing great!!
    It's going to be all worth it :)

  18. You are such a rock star! hang in there! you are doing awesome!!

  19. I know this must all be so VERY VERY hard on you. But you are in the best place for your boys. Blessings to you and your family. - Newroad

  20. Wow. must be so terribly hard. AND you are very brave.
    I just found i'm pregnant w/ 3 but we've decided your path is not right for us. As i've read your blog and others along with many many medical papers i am more and more sure. Thanks for being honest about your medical issues and feelings as you enjoy this pregnancy.
    Best of luck to you and yours as you make terribly hard decisions about what is right and good for you all. Your daughter sounds very well cared for so try not to fret about that...and every day you keep the boys healthy and growing in you will bring you all closer to being under one roof together sooner after they arrive! Best wishes.

  21. I can't imagine how hard this must be. But, you have a supportive family and everyone understands the importance of keeping you in the hospital. You ARE doing the right thing and for right now, the safety of those boys is the important thing. I know you miss your family and your daughter but you have to remember... you won't get a 2nd chance with these boys. You have to do it right the first time. You are doing a great job and are unbelievably strong. Keep up the great work!

  22. Definitely doing the right thing! You NEED to be in the hospital right now! Don't second guess your gut feeling. It's sad now but you'll be so happy when your boys make it to (and past!) 30 weeks! I'm sure the hospital is no fun though :/ Hang in there!

  23. Hooray for 25 weeks! :)

    You are doing what you NEED to do for the boys right now! It has to be so hard to not be at home, but this is best for you and the boys.

    I would have been in tears after that conversation, too...I totally get that! ;)

    October or BUST!!!

  24. Glad you and the boys are doing well! I hope all the comments above have encouraged you to feel better about your decision to stay in the hospital, it's definitely the right thing.

    All the best!