12 days until I let out a big sigh of relief. Holding my breath is starting to hurt.
After a sleepless night of anticipating my appointment today (and I do have to pee every 45 minutes), I waddled into my MFM's office for a cervical check. Good news: STABLE! It is still holding around 2 cm, and since my contractions are much less, I am allowed to be at home. Dr. P said her threshold for admitting me is higher now since I've been treated with corticosteroids. Hopefully we'll have another negative fFN on Friday and I'll be allowed to be at home for my baby shower.
A note about the baby shower: I am ridiculously excited for it. I have been dreaming of getting to the point that I could have another baby shower for years. I love to host them for friends; love the planning, invitations, cake and favors that come with these wonderful celebrations. Lately I have attended many, often with a little lump in my throat, wondering if I'd ever carry a pregnancy this far. Now we are nearing the safer zone (if their is such a thing) and I get to open gifts from loved ones, each a little window into our babies' futures in our home, in our lives.
I am sort of afraid that it will not happen, that I might deliver the babies before then and they could not survive. For some reason, this seems to be yet another mental milestone for me or perhaps, a mental roadblock. Once the house is full of baby swings and tiny blue clothes, will they really get come into this family safely? Can the celebration make it real?
Many things have happened recently that feel more... permanent. I have not told you this yet, Internet, but amazing mother who we affectionately call "Gramma" has resigned from her job, sold her condo and has moved in with us to help raise the children! When she first offered, I said, "You don't have to do this!" and her response was always, "What could be more satisfying than being with my grandchildren all day?" She is one of the most selfless people I know, and I am eternally, completely grateful.
I did not want her to give notice until 24 weeks, and when it came and she did resign, I was a little alarmed; I was scared that still, the babies could come too soon and she'd no longer have a career. Her last day will be around 27 weeks, and while that seemed relatively safe a while ago, I am surprised at how anxious I still am now, almost to our first goal of 28 weeks. So I am wondering: when will I feel safe?
As we counted the days until 24 weeks, I had planned to order the cribs, stroller and other big items as a celebration when we hit the milestone. I balked. At 25, my husband was encouraging me to get them, knowing I wanted to buy them, but was scared. I had long ago decided on the stroller I wanted, the Triple Decker and while I knew they could take many weeks to ship, I continued to be hesitant to order one. Yesterday, while searching Craig's List, I found one, with the three car seats and bases for about 1/3 of what it would cost new. I could not ignore the great deal, and felt it was somewhat of a good sign that someone who lived 10 miles from us had put theirs up for sale just the day before. My husband and daughter picked it up, and met the family with their darling 15-month-old triplets. My mom also nudged me into ordering the cribs yesterday.
The Triple Decker:
While I admit to be an anxious person (sliiiiight understatement) I am a bit surprised at myself for not feeling more comfortable. My awesome nanny is expecting and I have been handing down my too-small maternity tops to her (read: all of my shirts). I realized today that another batch now stop at my belly button and need to get sent along, but I immediately thought: what if I have to do this again? What if my boys don't survive and I have to do IVF again and go through another pregnancy? I totally see these thoughts are not rooted in reality, but in fear. I know there are no guarantees with any pregnancy, but ours is a high-risk one, and I am used to waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will I ever stop doing that? Once I am holding my boys, God willing, I hope to let out the loudest sigh of relief the world has heard.
The 26 week belly: