*Cervical Parole, that is.
This morning showed my cervix has, in fact, shortened again to about 2.4 - 2.6. We seem to be losing around 3 mm per week right now which is NOT good. We want that cervix to be stable for another 10 weeks and at this rate, I will run out before then. The good news is that the babies' fluid is even more consistent and they all have a perfectly normal level. I will get their full growth measurements on Monday.
When Dr. P came in, she said, "Well, it shortened." My husband and I stared at her for any indication as to if she would admit me then, but she said, "I think you can be at home this weekend, but if there is no change or if it shortens again, we will admit you on Monday. Keep in mind, you might not be here for the duration, but we'll want to keep a close eye on you and maybe start steroids (to help the babies' lungs mature)."
We also did and fFN today which was NEGATIVE! Again, this indicates that I have a very, very low chance of going into real labor in the next 2 weeks. That gets us to almost 26 weeks.
I still seem to be in denial because I am contracting but it is controlled with the medications, so I was hoping the cervix wasn't affected. I probably should not be surprised since I do have to take more and stronger medication to get them to quiet down, but I was hopeful. The Terutaline I am taking makes me feel pretty awful: my heart races around 110 beats per minute and my hands shake as though I've had too much coffee. I am so grateful that it stops the contracting effectively, though! Now it is the uterine activity as well as the weight of the babies pushing on the cervix causing the change. That is something we cannot control, but we can treat any contractions more aggressively in the hospital if need be. It isn't that I am worried about being admitted now; it is that I am afraid it will not help.
Today I am feeling disappointed and worried. We are so close to viability, but at this rate of shortening, we might be seriously looking at babies born before 30 weeks, which as we all know means more NICU time and more potential for complications. I am so very hopeful we will get to 30 weeks, but I am starting to think we may not, and am preparing myself for that. It is certainly possible for the cervical length to stay the same for some weeks, and that is what we are hoping for.
Sunday, which marks 24 weeks, and the beginning of viability, will still be a party at our house! I am so excited the boys are healthy and have made it this far. I had planned to order the boys' cribs, wash some of their clothes, make some more real plans and now I am afraid. I hate the wondering... but I do wonder: will all my boys come home one day? Will they stay inside long enough to be healthy and well? I feel like I am in some kind of fog that I cannot see my way out of- I don't know which way to go.
Apparent to my close friends and family is the fact that I have become WEEPY. Really, overly emotional and weepy. I blame hormones (why not?) and also my sense of insecurity about the future: where I will be and when the boys will come. It is so hard to let go and relinquish control. If you have not figured this out: I am a control junkie.
Some of the things I have cried about this week (happy and sad tears):
- Reading "The Kissing Hand" to my daughter
- Listening to a play list Baby Smiling sent me and making one for her
- My cervix
- Watching my daughter dance to "Super Trouper" using my iPhone as her radio
- Feeling the babies move
- Probably not taking my daughter to her first day of preschool
- A trailer for "The Time Traveler's Wife"
- My cervix
- Everyone's sweet words and encouragement
I realize that I sound like a HUGE WEENIE after writing all this, but I am more scared than I remember being in some time. (Insert weepiness here.)