Friday, August 14, 2009

Out on Parole*

*Cervical Parole, that is.

This morning showed my cervix has, in fact, shortened again to about 2.4 - 2.6. We seem to be losing around 3 mm per week right now which is NOT good. We want that cervix to be stable for another 10 weeks and at this rate, I will run out before then. The good news is that the babies' fluid is even more consistent and they all have a perfectly normal level. I will get their full growth measurements on Monday.

When Dr. P came in, she said, "Well, it shortened." My husband and I stared at her for any indication as to if she would admit me then, but she said, "I think you can be at home this weekend, but if there is no change or if it shortens again, we will admit you on Monday. Keep in mind, you might not be here for the duration, but we'll want to keep a close eye on you and maybe start steroids (to help the babies' lungs mature)."

We also did and fFN today which was NEGATIVE! Again, this indicates that I have a very, very low chance of going into real labor in the next 2 weeks. That gets us to almost 26 weeks.

I still seem to be in denial because I am contracting but it is controlled with the medications, so I was hoping the cervix wasn't affected. I probably should not be surprised since I do have to take more and stronger medication to get them to quiet down, but I was hopeful. The Terutaline I am taking makes me feel pretty awful: my heart races around 110 beats per minute and my hands shake as though I've had too much coffee. I am so grateful that it stops the contracting effectively, though! Now it is the uterine activity as well as the weight of the babies pushing on the cervix causing the change. That is something we cannot control, but we can treat any contractions more aggressively in the hospital if need be. It isn't that I am worried about being admitted now; it is that I am afraid it will not help.

Today I am feeling disappointed and worried. We are so close to viability, but at this rate of shortening, we might be seriously looking at babies born before 30 weeks, which as we all know means more NICU time and more potential for complications. I am so very hopeful we will get to 30 weeks, but I am starting to think we may not, and am preparing myself for that. It is certainly possible for the cervical length to stay the same for some weeks, and that is what we are hoping for.

Sunday, which marks 24 weeks, and the beginning of viability, will still be a party at our house! I am so excited the boys are healthy and have made it this far. I had planned to order the boys' cribs, wash some of their clothes, make some more real plans and now I am afraid. I hate the wondering... but I do wonder: will all my boys come home one day? Will they stay inside long enough to be healthy and well? I feel like I am in some kind of fog that I cannot see my way out of- I don't know which way to go.

Apparent to my close friends and family is the fact that I have become WEEPY. Really, overly emotional and weepy. I blame hormones (why not?) and also my sense of insecurity about the future: where I will be and when the boys will come. It is so hard to let go and relinquish control. If you have not figured this out: I am a control junkie.

Some of the things I have cried about this week (happy and sad tears):

- Reading "The Kissing Hand" to my daughter
- Listening to a play list Baby Smiling sent me and making one for her
- My cervix
- Watching my daughter dance to "Super Trouper" using my iPhone as her radio
- Feeling the babies move
- Probably not taking my daughter to her first day of preschool
- A trailer for "The Time Traveler's Wife"
- My cervix
- Everyone's sweet words and encouragement

I realize that I sound like a HUGE WEENIE after writing all this, but I am more scared than I remember being in some time. (Insert weepiness here.)


  1. I have not commented so far - but I want to send lots of wishes your way - that those times will go by and so much better times and joy is waiting ahead for you! Eva

  2. I am scared with you, My time like yours is coming just around the corner and I'm scared to death. I'm sure things will work out great with the babies, but all the positive words in the world don't assure us :(
    My triplets are still small, but growing so fast every week.
    Take care and I hope your able to get things done that need done for the babies soon.

  3. My cervix was shorter than 2.4 at 24 weeks and I held on until 31. Now that was only with one baby (and a lot of extra fluid), but there is still hope. And if the rate of change stays the same, you have 8 weeks. That gets you to 32. Again, hope. One of my friends who had twins was in the hospital with a cervix below 2 cm from about 26-30 weeks and she made it all the way to 34. She kept contracting but her cervix never did get shorter. She had a c after her water broke at 34 weeks. God made your body in a wonderful, amazing way and you've already come so far. Keep growing those babies, mama!

  4. I generally lurk, but wanted to say I'm praying for you and your babies (and your daughter and husband!) to make it as long as possible so the boys come out healthy and can come home as quickly as is safe.

    Here's hoping that 10 weeks from now you look back at this post and laugh..holding your newborn baby boys!

  5. Yea for 24 weeks on Sunday! Boo for cervix shortening a tad. I'm glad the fFN test was negative! That is great news! I hope that on Monday you find a cervix that it getting longer and bed rest on your own couch :)

  6. Hooray for negative fFN and parole!

    You do not need to be washing anybody's clothes. Someone else can do that, whenever you decide it needs to be done. I've been wondering when I should wash clothes myself, how "fresh" they should be. Since I'm not allowed to do laundry (or anything else) right now either, I've just been putting it off. I do love folding and sorting those little clothes.

    I didn't mean to make you cry with those songs!

    The Time-Traveler's Wife trailer gets me every time.

    The fear you are describing also applies to me the last few days, though the negative fFN results I got today make me feel much calmer -- at least for now.

    Have a wonderful albeit horizontal weekend!

  7. I think I can say this without sounding cliche, but I know how you feel! I so wish we could enjoy this pregnancy. It will be so nice when our babies are out and home! If you want to order cribs and wash clothes, DO IT! Dont not do it because of fear. The boys will be home and healthy soon. Take care Carrie and hang in there. Im thinking of you all the time. You CAN DO THIS!

  8. Oh girl, the thoughts and worries totally come back when you write about how you feel, I was a nutcase at times with only 1 inside me, thinking of all that can go wrong. But it's truly best for everyone involved to keep as much of a positive attitude as possible. You know that book 'Secret', you get what you wish for, lets believe it! :)

  9. just hoping for the best for you and your boys! i am always a bit partial to BBBs, i can't help it. ;) hope they don't make their arrival for a GOOD LONG TIME.

  10. I can't imagine what an anxiety filled time this is...From one control freak to another, I can relate. Thinking of you and the little ones everyday!!

  11. My heart aches for you, reading this post... I want to look into my crystal ball and tell you when the babies will be born, and how everything will be okay.

    Saying prayers for you and your little guys.

  12. Oh hun... I cry just looking at the cover of the Kissing Hand, and I'm not pregnant with triplets!

    Tears are a good thing, even if they seem to be coming an awful lot. They help to alleviate stress and cleanse the heart. Never feel bad about crying.

    That said, I think you might be in need of some comic relief. I'm not sure what makes you giggle, but it's time to find it. If I could I would send you some of Stuart Maclean's books (a Canadian radio humourist). He wrote a great story about toilet training a cat that had me laughing so hard I cried... wait a minute... that's what we're trying to avoid here... oh well, it was a thought.


  13. Awww you are totally NOT a weenie. It is perfectly normal to be scared and weepy with any pregnancy I'd think - and tripley so for you!

    No one ever knows what will happen and that's so hard to deal with and think about. Be happy and hopeful if you feel like it and be scared and weepy if you feel like it. Everything is allowed in your situation.

    So happy for your negative fFN!! Yay for 24 weeks! Only 10 more to go after that to get to my minimum (hear me boys?!) ;)

    Hang in there! I'm still thinking of you and your three sons! :)

  14. Goodness, I wish I could just reach through this internet and give you a hug. All you can do is love those babies and do what the doctor says.. the rest is in God's hand. I am so glad for 24 weeks but I say you make it to 35!

  15. I am praying for you and your babies hon! {HUGS}

  16. Oh, Carrie...I wish I was closer to you.

    Yay for 24 weeks, that's a BIG deal. You are doing a GREAT job!

    Holding you and the boys close in my thoughts and prayers.


  17. So glad for 24 weeks! I am really sorry that your cervix is shortening. Please hang in there cervix for a few more weeks yet!!

  18. Just keep hanging in there and keep your faith! You have good doctors who are watching you closely and they have the experience needed to get you through this. I know it's easier said than done but focus on the positives - the boys are healthy and TODAY everything is fine.
    We're here with you!

  19. First of all, you are NOT a weenie. Your feelings are totally understandable. Midway through my pregnancy I found it to be such a limbo time. You have come so far, but it feels like forever to go to get a healthy outcome. I can't imagine what it must feel like when you are having triplets and having to deal with what is on your plate. I guess the day by day approach is best. But I am a control freak too and I know it is hard not to be able to know what your future weeks will hold.

    Your cervix still has plenty of length to hold those babies. It and you will stay strong. Maybe you might feel better if you're admitted, like you are in a place where you know they are equipped to do all they can to keep your boys safe. I know it sucks to not be at home though.

    You are doing great! Keep us updated.

  20. I'm sorry it's still slowly shortening, but glad the new meds are controlling the contractions better. Hospital bedrest may well help too. And think of those term pregnant women who walk around dilated 1-3cm for a couple weeks before going into real labour... I think there's still lots of hope that you'll make it past 30 weeks.
    Hang in there!

  21. Hey there. Sorry for the shortening-I will keep thinking good thoughts that it will stay put where it's at now. Your post made me cry because you described exactly everything I have been thinking and feeling this entire pregnancy. I think I'll blame mine on hormones too! We have our cribs, but I have let my husband only set up one for right now-just in case. I feel awful even thinking that, but how can we avoid it? I am having more contractions now and think I will soon be joining you with being on medications to stop or slow them. Enjoy tomorrow, but I too think you will make it much further before those boys come out into the world!

  22. Thanks for the tips on my blog. I think I'd better pick up some MOM along with the metamucil today. I need all the help I can get to stay regular right now. I can't imagine how much worse it must be with 3, with all the extra hormones.

  23. Less than 24h to go!!! You are almost to ground zero! I am saying many prayers for the next 10w. You are doing a great job and the boys are healthy! YAY!!! All good things. While it blows that your cervix is misbehaving, you are doing EVERYTHING that you can to keep it long. Bedrest, feet up, controlling the contractions as much as possible. You are doing it. I know going into the hospital is a drag, truly I know that, but whatever gets you 10 more weeks is so very worth it. Fingers crossed. We can do this!!! You can do this!!!

  24. The weepiness is totally justified:) I'm sorry to hear about the cervix shortening- but it doesn't necessarily mean anything negative is definitely going to happen, so just do your best to stay positive.. I know its scary, all of this. But you are kicking ass, really. Keep up your spirits and know that you have a ton of people pulling for you and these babies!

  25. Im thinking of you, Carrie and sending you many good vibes for many more weeks with your boys safely inside you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with these scares. Hang in there (boys, you hang in there, too).

  26. Oh my gosh, I would be weepy too! It's a lot of physical and emotional stress to be carrying these three boys around and worrying constantly about their well-being. I'm THRILLED that you're so close to 24 weeks, and it sounds from a lot of the comments here like you have a good chance of making it to 30. Sending tons of good thoughts & vibes in your direction!

  27. Carrie - I stumbled upon your blog a while ago and have been following it ever since. I'm pregnant with triplet boys just like you - two identical, one fraternal. I'm a week behind you and equally as scared. I'm actually jealous of your one week advantage! Every day counts, and what I wouldn't give to be one week closer to viability. I understand everything you are feeling!

    I was put in the hospital three weeks ago after my cervix began shortening rapidly. The shortest measurement was 13mm. The next day I had a cerclage. One week later I'm measuring 31mm!! And I'm at home now, but still on bed rest and still on nifedipine for contractions.

    You will get through this, as will I, but it's unbelievably scary when you let your mind wander. I'll be praying for you and your sweet boys. I love your blog...thanks for sharing.

  28. Saw your comment on Triplets, who know? and thought I would stop over. Sorry to hear you are going thru that. You sound very strong! I just had IUI on Wed. We also have a toddler (18 month old son) and have 5 lost pregnancies prior to him and 1 chemical pregnancy since. You are inspiring.

  29. Care-

    Stand on your head, Stand on your head! :) Ok, maybe the kids should refrain from advising! You know we love you and are thinking of you and the boys everyday sending you calming, happy and strong thoughts. You are so totally amazing and can do this!!! We will come and cheer you up in the hospital and sing you long cervix songs. From a fellow Wemberly, I know how scary it feels, just remember that today they are safe and healthy. You have an excellent team to help you with whatever may arise tomorrow. I know it is cliche to say breathe and focus on the now, but I have honestly found it to help. Also, of course focusing on the positive:

    Today was a good day as babies are where they should be and doing great

    Your ffn test was negative!!!!!

    Tomorrow is 24 weeks!!! Woot! Woot!

    Great team of docs watching you closely!

    Wonderful hubby and daughter!

    Fine support here from your fellow mommies and frends!

    Remember you are not alone and always in our thoughts!

    So, sometimres it helps to make a list! :)

    Good luck girlie and feel free to weep away. You were never a weenie and aren't one now!!!

    Lots of Kisses-T,C & J

  30. You don't sound like a weenie at all. You are in a tough, scary spot and you are responding in a completely normal way. Hoping and praying you make it to 30 weeks without any more issues.

  31. happy viablitly day to you happy viability day to you. Hope you have fun at home with the family today, and that you time in the hospital wont be to hard on you.

  32. IT'S SUNDAY!!!! 24w!!!! YOU DID IT!!!! Rub your cute threesome for me! :)

  33. Oh I hope you make it far!!!! I know you're already doing all you can, so I just hope, HOPE that things work out in your favor. And I completely understand the fear of making preparations. It's scary, but I (as well as lots of others!) am praying for you, your boys, and your family. Hold tight there cervix!! :)

  34. Hey honey!! I'm so sorry that it shortened more:( You are in my thoughts and prayers as always!! I know these boys are going to be okay and at this time next year you will be wondering what you every did before you had FOUR kids;) LOVE YA

  35. believe it or not, the fFN results are far more indicative than anything else - so hold on to those results.

    As for the terbutaline - oral terbutaline sucks and it doesn't actually do as effective a job as the pump, according to studies (my husband's a pharmacist) - so you might want to ask your doctor about switching to a pump for the terbutaline if you're having to take it that often - because you get a constant, low dose of it and then bolus doses of it, your body gets accustomed to it, so you spend far less time having the shaky, horrible side effects from it. You'll still get a little shaky at the bolus doses, but not nearly as noticeably.

    You are doing great, Mama. Hang in there.