Saturday, April 18, 2009

When does the fear go away? *Child mentioned/pictured*


*Child mentioned and pictured*

Happy Show and Tell! Go see what the rest of the class is showing!

This picture was taken almost exactly a year ago. That is me (wincing at the tattoo...) and my daughter, A at the beach in Kauai. That morning, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant for the third time, a couple of months after our first miscarriage. I remember taking the test in the dark condo bathroom, and walking out to show my husband, big smile on my face, lots of fear in my heart. I cried on the white sand, staring at the Pacific, while my daughter and husband played. That was two days into our much-anticipated Hawaiian vacation, and I immediately wanted to go home to have my betas checked NOW and set up an ultrasound. While we were still in paradise, and our almost-two-year-old was having the time of her life, I was not. I was terrified, and stuck on an island.

I attempted to keep my spirits up, trying to remind myself that two consecutive miscarriages is unlikely (HA!), that all would be okay this time, and hey, I was in KAUAI! It did start out okay, with doubling betas and a beautiful heartbeat seen at 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 weeks. Unfortunately, around 8 1/2 weeks, an ultrasound showed that her heart had stopped beating. The tech said, "Baby is quiet." The worst words a pregnant mom can hear. Needless to say, I was devastated, and genetic testing showed Trisomy 18, a condition worse than Down's that causes death shortly after birth, and more commonly, miscarriage.

Fast-forward to now, pregnant with twins at 7 weeks, and I am finding myself "crying on the beach" again, if you will. We saw their perfect heartbeats 6 days ago, and am hoping to see them again on Monday. This pregnancy seems to be okay so far, with lots of encouraging comments by our RE who reminds us that miscarriage at this stage is less than 5%. Very reassuring, but experience seems to override these facts, and all I can think of is the last time they told me my baby died. I am so scared it will happen again.

I've been thinking about this crying on the beach, and am sort of pissed off about the whole deal. I am a little angry at myself for not being able to let go of the past, and try to be in the moment; and a little angry at whoever runs the universe. I found myself today not able to fully enjoy something my daughter was doing (taking a shower by herself, with us right outside the tub) because all I could be was SAD that she was growing up, and what if we never have another baby? I hate how her growing up can be so bittersweet for me since we have been trying to have a sibling for her for a year and a half, with three miscarriages.

I am trying to live in the moment, enjoying what is happening right now, but man, it is hard for me. I find myself Googling "miscarriage rates after fetal heartbeat" at least three times a day, and am noticing all the links are already clicked on. My computer is even sending me a message: "Already read it. Move the F on!" It is so amazing to read others' blogs, so full of hope and without a hint of fear, and I am in awe and truly amazed at these strong women. I want to be that strong. I am hoping that when we see them on Monday, the twins' hearts are beating strong, and they are growing as they should. I am so hopeful but when something is so desperately wanted, there is a long way to fall.

Resolutions for the week: no more crying on the beach. Only Google after 9 pm (am too tired to do anything then usually). Be present. Come up with some positive affirmations--I am open to suggestions.

25 comments:

  1. It never goes away completely. Miscarriage spoils the innocent joy of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, it is still incredibly joyful... but the innocence a person who has never miscarried feels is forever lost.

    I still found myself getting lost in "what if" thoughts on my bad days in 2nd and 3rd trimester. Every post about bad news from someone on the message board I frequented sent me into a tailspin of "what if". But I always caught myself and reminded myself that positivity begets positive outcomes. Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know.

    That being said, you are strong. You will prevail. And 8 months from now be holding two perfect tiny babies, crying your eyes out with that odd mixture of post partum joy and hormone whiplash.

    You can do it!!!

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  2. Oh good luck! I am wishing the best for you on this journey :)

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  3. ...hoping for nothing but good things for you from here on out...

    Dr. Google is E-V-I-L. But I can't resist either.

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  4. I totally understand why you are scared. You have been through a lot. You shouldn't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself and try to relieve some stress. Go for walks, get a facial or massage, read a good book.

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  5. Beautiful Picture!

    I know that the fear never disappears....Hoping and praying for you~!

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  6. Being fearful is normal. And expected. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

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  7. I'm so sorry for your losses. I can understand why you are exceedingly catious about these new little beans. I'm guilty of the whole 'multiple times a day med look up question' myself. I guess I always think I'll see some sort of answer there that I didn't see before.

    I think it is a great resolution to 'enjoy the moment'. I've been ttc #2 for over a year now too, and I feel guilty that I'm not revelling in my son's wonderfulness enough.

    I hope that the percentages tell you the truth this time, and that all is well with your babies.

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  8. Your last paragraph had me in tears. 'be present in the moment' is easily said, and so freakin hard to do.

    How this for a positive affirmation: For every scared thought that goes through my head I find one hopeful one.

    It doesn't discount your fear - for you can't go back to the la-de-da all pregnancies end in live babies mentality - ever, but it does allow you to feel justified in both your emotions...

    just a thought.

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  9. From raging hormones and the fact you are running around after a little one, I would say you are in doing extremely well. You must be exhausted, physically and emotionally. I say no more Google. No more info of any kind. Breathing, eating, sleeping and little one. This baby making thing is all magic anyway so why try and control it? Give up and give in.
    EB

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  10. Carrie...I understand how scared you are. I went through secondary infertility and lost 6 pregnancies before I finally got pregnant with my now 3 yr old. Its so maddening to not be able to just enjoy the pregnancy and be filled with assurance that it will result in a baby. I don't think I really, truly believed I would bring a baby home until I heard him cry. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers. Email me if you need to talk.

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  11. "I am a little angry at myself for not being able to let go of the past, and try to be in the moment; and a little angry at whoever runs the universe."


    It's such a challenge to stay in the present, but I think that you are doing it more than you think, because you are noticing when you aren't.

    I've been thinking about you daily, and praying for all 5 of you...

    ((HUGS))

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  12. I've found that for me, the fear has gone down as I've reached new milestones that I didn't get to in my miscarried pregnancies.

    I also remind myself that worrying doesn't ward off bad things, so instead of protecting my babies, all it does is make me feel worse, and therefore it isn't worth it. Doesn't always work, but it does sometimes.

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  13. Hope it gets easier as the pregnancy progresses. And hope you see amazing heart beats on Monday!

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  14. Oh Honey...I wish I could give you a hug!!! I'm sending you one can you feel it;) Try to stop googling...my RE gave me a lecture about googling!! I know it's hard after so many heartaches but try to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy because the next 33 weeks are going to fly by!! I feel it in my heart that you are going to be holding those perfect little miracles!! LOVE YA!!

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  15. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, wondering what I will feel like if I ever get pregnant again. Hoping for all the best for you, and praying for great heartbeats at your next appointment.

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  16. OMG! I've been absent from Show and Tell for awhile and I didn't know your fabulous news! Congrats on your two heatbeats!!! I'm so excited for you.

    I know the fear is hard to get passed (goodness knows I still have my moments) but after seeing our baby three times with a strong heartbeat I've stopped having dead baby thoughts.

    Just take it one day at a time. BIG (((HUGS)))!

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  17. I know you are scared, but I hear sooooo much HOPE in this post too... hang on to it!

    I love "Be Present" - good advice :)

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  18. I am so sorry for your losses. You have every right to feel all of those emotions but it also sounds like you are hopeful.

    It is a gorgeous picture and I am looking forward to seeing one just like it with 2 more little ones in it.

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  19. Sending warm wishes for a great ultrasound tomorrow!

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  20. Sending you lots of love, hugs and peaceful vibes. I wish all those "what ifs" go away and you're able to just enjoy everything.

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  21. Thinking of you and hoping that today brings more good news.

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  22. Crossing my fingers for you and wee beans. Be well.

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  23. Just wanted to send you a big hug, and lots of positive thoughts and vibes your way. My friend does something on her Facebook that I think would work well for you to help distract your mind. She writes a note, every day, of 3 positive things that happened that day, or that made her happy. Keep a notebook, write in it at night, so that way, you can go through each day looking for the positive, no matter how big or small. *hug*

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  24. More hugs coming your way and I really hope that your U/S went well.

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  25. just stumbled across your blog and I'm glad I did :) Keeping my fingers crossed for you that you may find your strength in all that surrounds you and in the 2 tiny ones inside you! Take care!

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