I almost just Googled, "Creative Blog Post Title"

Pathetic. Anyhoo...

Right next to the button I just pushed that says, "New Post" is the information that I have not posted since March 27! WHAT? (A very sheepish blush has overcome my cheeks...)

Needless to say, I am a bit on the busy side with eight month old triplets and our nearly four year old, but how can I continue to neglect anyone who still reads this crazy blog? This year has certainly been different from last. On Father's Day last year, we had a fun family brunch and relaxed all day. I was 16 weeks pregnant with my three perfect boys, and thanking my husband for being such an amazing Daddy to our daughter and daddy-to-be to our little guys. This year, we both had the luxury of a shower, made it through the day with three teething babies, a tyrannical almost-four-year-old and are currently trying to decide if we can stay up until 9 pm to watch "True Blood". Interestingly enough, I talked about that (most awesome of awesome) show last year. It seems some things never change.

Everything else does!

Some pictures and highlights to catch you up...

- We have three teeth among the boys, spread out over two babies! Cheeks and O-Bear, true to their identical twin-ness cut their first tooth within a week of each other, and now Cheeks has number two!

- Ace (always the rockstar nurser) has also become the rockstar eater! He eats three solid meals a day- homemade veggies or fruit and Yobaby, his fave. The other day, we were trying to entice O-Bear to just TRY some yogurt (It is sweet! And creamy!) while Ace ate some of his favorite pear-banana-peach blend that I whipped up. He saw us giving his brother yogurt and cried so hard and whacked his tiny, ineffectual fists on the tray until we shared the cultured wealth.

- Cheeks and O-Bear mostly make faces like you are trying to poison them when you attempt to spoon some goodness in. They really just want to nurse (ALL the time, which is fine by me) but are beginning to dabble in vanilla Yobaby. Only vanilla.

- They are all rolling everywhere, which scares and delights me, but are not sitting up. I really am excited for this so they can have a new view that does not include our ceiling and perhaps they'll be a bit more entertained when my mom and I try to pee/make dinner/take care of their sister.

- I have become obsessed with the only hobby that I can do at home: baking! I bake something (usually some delish cookie with chocolate in it) at least once a day, and have been on a cake kick lately. I am thinking of starting a baking blog, complete with fantastic (ha!) looking pictures of my creations and lots of recipes. It would be a fun thing to do from home, while babes sleep, and that is unrelated to parenting, nursing or multiples. As soon as I have my blog looking good and sweet, I'll share the url. Hopefully it will be a well-nurtured blog! (The best cookie I made this week: chocolate marbled oatmeal cookies. HEAVEN.)

Some happenings:

A, "nursing" her doll

O-Bear, who insists he is on his tummy at all times

We happen to be on the other side of the state with the kids (and my awesome mother, and my little cousin) in search of the sun, as it appears it will never shine again in Seattle. One of my assignments for the week: more blog-friendly pictures and another post. I promise one by Friday. Dang, I am getting ambitious around here...

I have a more serious and reflective post in the works, one that makes me all teary and sweaty, about the guilt I feel to not be the mom I was to my daughter, about how hard it is to see two crying babies and sometimes have to choose which one to hold, about how I still want to have a clean house and make dinner, which means sometimes I choose to do housework while my mom hangs with babies. It is all a recipe for guilt and anxiety for me lately, and I am working on being more forgiving and also trying to have quality time with all four of my children, each day. Even if it is only for one chorus of "The Wheels on the Bus".

I am catching up in my Google Reader while on vacation. Expect to see me in your comments!

A Year of Tubeless, Volume 1

The next six months Tubeless in Seattle's first year will come later in the week. Thanks for reminiscing with me!

It has been one year since I began writing here!

When I decided to start the blog, it was from reading others, and appreciating so much that people could share their pregnancy loss, infertility and treatment stories and experiences so authentically. Hoping that it would be cathartic to me, and perhaps provide a tiny bit of insight to another person going through the pain of miscarriage and fertility treatments motivated me to start writing.

A great decision, it turns out! I have made so many friends and found such an amazing community that supports its members and is unbelievably welcoming to neophytes. I've read both joyful and heartbreaking stories of birth and loss, life and death. I have found myself less quick to assume I understand someone else's experience of fertility, pregnancy or birth after seeing into so many people's worlds.

When I started out writing, I was the mother of a two year-old girl who'd experienced the pain of three miscarriages, two after seeing beautiful heartbeats which eventually stopped beating. My OB had put me on Clomid after months of unsuccessful conception but did not monitor me at all. After nothing happened, we sought help at a big Seattle RE, moved to IUI's but then discovered my tubes were severely damaged (from a previous Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) and had to be removed. I was made "Tubeless" in December 2008. Of course, without tubes, IVF was the only option, so in February of 2009, I was waiting impatiently for an ovarian cyst to resolve so I could begin stimulation drugs for my first IVF cycle. I was in waiting-to-start and birth control purgatory and was so desperately hoping for a shot at another pregnancy, another child in our family of three...

Here is a bit of what each month over the first half of last year held for me:

February 2009: Crazy Infertile Lady's behaviors are revealed while I wait for an ovarian cyst that is delaying my IVF cycle to GO AWAY. Also, I share an Affirmation after Miscarriage.

March 2009: Eventful! I get to start my cycle, Retrieval goes well, as does the Fertilization Report. I develop Ovarian Hyperstimualtion Syndrome (OHSS) which almost causes our cycle to be cancelled and embabies frozen, but we still get to transfer and put back two blasts. The OHSS gets worse and I have paracentesis done to remove fluid in my abdomen. Oh: I also find out I am PREGNANT!

April 2009: We find out I am pregnant with twins! I lament how previous miscarriages can ruin pregnancies. I start spotting (which is the way two miscarriages began...) and find out in the ER that I am carrying triplets. PANIC and WONDER.

May 2009: We discuss the idea of reduction for about a second, and are extremely reassured by our amazing MFM (high risk OB, called a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor). The first panicked call to said doctor occurs, and the fear of pregnancy loss and preterm labor commences.

June 2009: I whine about trying to be an energetic mommy while preggo with triplets and we are thrilled to discover that my belly holds three boys!

July 2009: I am put on strict-ish bed rest when my cervix starts to shorten, I count the days until viability, and post this priceless picture.

I am so thankful to have thoughtful, supportive readers, some of whom have become close friends. Thank you for reading and coming along for the ride through infertility, multiple pregnancy and triplet parenthood. Your supportive comments have lifted me up many a day.

Check back this week for the next six months which are full of worry, waist expansion and the birth of our boys!

7w4d

I am hesitant to put this up on the side of my page yet... too scary. But I love looking at it and watching them float around in their virtual womb. I know it will change every day, and right now it says "32 Weeks, 3 Days Remaining"! I am so happy to be almost to the nine week mark. Most people get excited at 10 weeks, or when the first trimester is over, but our losses were always before 9 weeks and I think I will feel a small bit of security when we make it past there. (Well, we found out about one at 10, but baby had stopped growing weeks before).

I woke up today anxious, and told my husband I didn't feel very pregnant. Then I took a shower and could not see my feet for the GIANT boobs, and felt a little better. Then I spent the rest of the day feeling hungry and then super nauseated, sure I was going to throw up at the grocery store when I walked by the soups in the deli and the cleaning supply aisle. Then I slept for 2 hours this afternoon, woke up and made popcorn which smells awful and now am nauseous again; all the windows are open, trying to get the smell out. So I guess I do feel pregnant after all, and it is so very comforting. Both of my later miscarriages were "missed miscarriages" which means that no real bleeding or cramping started on it's own, and we found out on ultrasound, shocked. When I do "feel" more pregnant, with more symptoms, I am extremely grateful because I did notice a decrease or lack of symptoms with the losses.

We have another week until our ultrasound, and I am cautiously hopeful and yet so scared. This will be when we found out our daughter's heart had stopped, so it will be a big milestone to pass hopefully.

My new favorite thing: maternity belly bands! I am wearing mine daily now, and I know I am not even eight weeks yet, but SERIOUS belly. I cannot zip the jeans, and this little band of elastic is my new best friend. All my friends are saying that I won't be able to hide it much longer- and honestly, they are just being kind. It is obvious now, and I know people know, I just can't bear to tell a lot of people (besides the world wide webs). I think I will feel more ready to share (since my abs are not holding the uterus in) after we see them, hopefully all healthy and growing next week.

Ultrasound- 7w1d

Two perfect heartbeats, one huge sigh of relief! Again, one baby was further away from the probe, but they are both doing well, and are about the same size.

The babies look perfect, with one measuring right on at 7w1d and one ahead at 7w6d, both with identical heartbeats of 145.61. Exactly the same! They are both growing as they should, and our doctor said she could not be happier. She noted how huge my ovaries are still, contributing to the massive "showing" belly, and that my uterus is already "out of my pelvis" because they are twins. I told her out of my pelvis, and out of my jeans! They've been unbuttoned a lot the last few days.

They saw a very small subchorionic hematoma which is where a blood clot forms in the uterus, causing no symptoms or bleeding in some. I have not had any bleeding and they said because it is small, it may not. It can cause rarely, miscarriage. As soon as the doctor said this, my husband looked at her like "Why did you have to tell her that??" I have a dear friend who is a worrier like me (you know who you are) and she has had them in all three of her healthy pregnancies. She told me not to worry about it, that it is a non-issue most of the time. After much frantic Googling, it seems that since mine is small, and so far, asymptomatic, the prognosis is good.

Everything else looks great! I am seriously so big now that it is getting hard to hide it from the world, so I think we'll be telling some friends this week. While this does scare me, if we lost another pregnancy we'd tell them, so I don't think it hurts to share happy news right now. I am truly as big as I was with A at 12-14 weeks, and am pondering: too early for maternity clothes? I bought a belly band thingamajig in the hope that it will keep me in regular pants longer.

I am going back for another ultrasound at 8.5 weeks, next Wednesday, since that is when we lost our daughter, in the hopes that it will provide lots of emotional reassurance, to see their little hearts beating. It is a scary week of pregnancy for me- this is when our Trisomy baby stopped developing, so we are very hopeful (and nervous).

Thanks so much to everyone for all of the support- I can truly feel the kindness in each comment.

When does the fear go away? *Child mentioned/pictured*

*Child mentioned and pictured*

Happy Show and Tell! Go see what the rest of the class is showing!

This picture was taken almost exactly a year ago. That is me (wincing at the tattoo...) and my daughter, A at the beach in Kauai. That morning, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant for the third time, a couple of months after our first miscarriage. I remember taking the test in the dark condo bathroom, and walking out to show my husband, big smile on my face, lots of fear in my heart. I cried on the white sand, staring at the Pacific, while my daughter and husband played. That was two days into our much-anticipated Hawaiian vacation, and I immediately wanted to go home to have my betas checked NOW and set up an ultrasound. While we were still in paradise, and our almost-two-year-old was having the time of her life, I was not. I was terrified, and stuck on an island.

I attempted to keep my spirits up, trying to remind myself that two consecutive miscarriages is unlikely (HA!), that all would be okay this time, and hey, I was in KAUAI! It did start out okay, with doubling betas and a beautiful heartbeat seen at 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 weeks. Unfortunately, around 8 1/2 weeks, an ultrasound showed that her heart had stopped beating. The tech said, "Baby is quiet." The worst words a pregnant mom can hear. Needless to say, I was devastated, and genetic testing showed Trisomy 18, a condition worse than Down's that causes death shortly after birth, and more commonly, miscarriage.

Fast-forward to now, pregnant with twins at 7 weeks, and I am finding myself "crying on the beach" again, if you will. We saw their perfect heartbeats 6 days ago, and am hoping to see them again on Monday. This pregnancy seems to be okay so far, with lots of encouraging comments by our RE who reminds us that miscarriage at this stage is less than 5%. Very reassuring, but experience seems to override these facts, and all I can think of is the last time they told me my baby died. I am so scared it will happen again.

I've been thinking about this crying on the beach, and am sort of pissed off about the whole deal. I am a little angry at myself for not being able to let go of the past, and try to be in the moment; and a little angry at whoever runs the universe. I found myself today not able to fully enjoy something my daughter was doing (taking a shower by herself, with us right outside the tub) because all I could be was SAD that she was growing up, and what if we never have another baby? I hate how her growing up can be so bittersweet for me since we have been trying to have a sibling for her for a year and a half, with three miscarriages.

I am trying to live in the moment, enjoying what is happening right now, but man, it is hard for me. I find myself Googling "miscarriage rates after fetal heartbeat" at least three times a day, and am noticing all the links are already clicked on. My computer is even sending me a message: "Already read it. Move the F on!" It is so amazing to read others' blogs, so full of hope and without a hint of fear, and I am in awe and truly amazed at these strong women. I want to be that strong. I am hoping that when we see them on Monday, the twins' hearts are beating strong, and they are growing as they should. I am so hopeful but when something is so desperately wanted, there is a long way to fall.

Resolutions for the week: no more crying on the beach. Only Google after 9 pm (am too tired to do anything then usually). Be present. Come up with some positive affirmations--I am open to suggestions.

Eating for 3

After seeing the twins' amazing heartbeats, I picked up a book that people say is the "Bible" for multiple pregnancies. It is called When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads by Dr. Barbara Luke and Tamara Eberlein. I dove into it, determined to have a "healthy multiple pregnancy" as the cover suggests and have pretty much finished it. It is written in a realistic way that addresses concerns, but doesn't sugarcoat the risks and challenges in a multiple pregnancy. She covers everything from selective reduction and screening to breastfeeding and birth.

She runs a "multiples" clinic where the babies have much higher than national average birth weights and go closer to 40 weeks. She conducted more than one large-scale study that showed a mother's weight gain early in the pregnancy is the most important indicator for healthy newborns. For example, she states a mother of twins should eat 3500 calories (!) and have gained 24 pounds by 20 weeks. Mothers who hit that weight goal were much less likely to have preterm labor or smaller babies. Apparently, while pregnant with multiples, all concern of heart disease and general gluttony go out the window.

When I say that her focus is weight gain and rest, I am not kidding. She has BMI tables, and suggests if you are at all underweight, you need to gain about 50 pounds. Well, I fall on the border of underweight and normal, so I am honestly going to try to gain 45 or so. It sounds CRAZY to me, since I gained 18 with my daughter, but I am trying to do absolutely everything I can to ensure those twins are nourished. My daughter was a relatively small 6 pounds, 7 ounces at full term, and most twins are born between 35-38 weeks, so there are less weeks to gain the weight they need. With my many aversions right now and hyper-sensitive nose, a lot less food sounds good than usually does. I would normally relish this chance to eat whatever I want, but I am very averse to all kinds of things, including meat, candy and cookies, seafood and chocolate. I know, what a weirdo, right?

Does this amount of weight freak me out? Yes, yes it does. I weigh myself daily, pregnant or not, and am a bit on the weight conscious side, so this does scare me a bit. After the birth of my daughter, I was back to my normal weight after two weeks (though things sagged and were softer) and if I gain 40+ pounds, that probably will not be the case. That is something I will let go of in exchange for heavier and therefore healthier twins. I don't expect them to weight 10 pounds each, but at least 6 would be cut their risk for many health problems. Stretch marks, here we come.

I keep telling my husband I will eat more "when it is for sure twins," but really, it is twins now, and they need nutrition now. If I am left with twins at 24 weeks, that means I have to gain (since I am almost 7 weeks) 24 lbs in the next 17 weeks, and waiting until the NT scan would only leave me with nine weeks to gain all that, so here I am, chowing down now. I am starting to pooch out already, and I've gained about a pound, but my pants are already tighter in the waist... could this be? Will I be in a bella band at 8 weeks? Anyone with multiples show early?

Here are some of my weight gaining strategies:

1. No exercise, really. Well, I can't anyway, because of the lingering OHSS.
2. Doughnuts. Krispy Kreme is down the hill.
3. Milk shakes. Drinking calories can be easier than packing in all the food.
4. Eating out. I consume more calories dining out than when I cook at home.
5. I've started drinking OJ- lots of calories.
6. Clearly, I need more strategies, but 3500 is A LOT and it is hard to do.

Off to contemplate dinner. Onion rings and grilled cheese sound awfully good.

Only 4 days until we get to see our twins again... eek!

Two Perfect Heartbeats

...and two overjoyed parents!

We saw the two perfectly round sacs with our precious babies in them, and that amazing flickering of a beating heart in each. Both measured at exactly 6w1d (perfect!) and both had heart rates in the 130-140's, but Dr. S was counting them so it is an approximation. But beating they were! He said one embryo was much closer to the probe than the other one, so B seemed bigger than A, but they measured exactly the same. Picture to follow, but it isn't a great angle, so A looks little compared to B.

I am so grateful and excited! I tried to push the last pregnancy out of my mind, where we saw our daughter's heartbeat and then it stopped, and mostly succeeded. I asked him what the chance of miscarriage is now, after seeing fetal cardiac activity and he said 3-4%. I told him I'd been in that percentage before and he reminded me that the trisomy our daughter had recurs rarely, and all trisomies are less common in people our ages. That did make me feel better.

We also spoke a little about what happens next. Next week (week 7) I will have another ultrasound, and then again at weeks 9 and 10. After that, I will be transferring to a high-risk OB who Dr. S feels is the best in Seattle. I spoke with their office today and am having my records transferred now. They scheduled my nuchal translucency screening for May 18th, at 11 weeks, and then I will (hopefully) begin seeing them regularly. They told me to plan 3 hours (!) for the appointment, and when I asked why the coordinator laughed and said, "That ultrasound will take at least 90 minutes. Remember, they have to look at everything twice!" After the ultrasound, we see a genetic counselor and if anything is wrong can do a CVS right there. Then I meet with the OB.

It seems so far away, to be going to this appointment, and knowing so much about the babies, but really, it is only a month! I hope the next five weeks bring continued health for our little babies, and continued peace for us. We could not be happier or more thankful.

Speaking of thankful, thank all of you who give me so much strength. You are amazing!

AACK!

I love to shop. As in, I could spend hours walking around a mall, Target or even Costco. I am a huge fan of our consumerist society and I do my very best to support the economy. About twice a year, we head to the outlets about an hour from our house and stock up for the season. There is a JCrew, Banana, Gap, and lots of children's clothing stores. This is usually a place where I am in heaven, carrying around armloads of stuff before deciding what to take home. We are frugal- this is not a shopping spree at Neiman Marcus, but we get to update our wardrobes a bit and have fun in the process.

So when my husband said he needed some new work shirts and wanted to visit to the outlets on Saturday, he was shocked when I practically burst into tears. I instantly pictured myself wandering around, not trying on pants because serious OHSS gut is still in the house. I also thought of not buying fitted shirts (see previous) but not buying maternity shirts, because I've made that mistake in early pregnancy before and we all know how that ended: cute shirts with the tags on, still in a big plastic bin. I also can't buy baby clothes, because TALK ABOUT JINX. I am a bit (read: freakishly) superstitious after our losses, and won't buy anything until I am as close to feeling safe as I can, and I am not there yet. I am not feeling safe.

Which brings us to the underlying emotions that almost made me cry at the mention of new JCrew khakis: fear and uncertainty. I cannot be certain what is going to happen with this pregnancy and therefore am feeling pretty freaked out about the future. I don't want to buy an outfit, thinking, "this will fit for a few months, and the shirt will be perfect for longer" when, honestly, who the heck knows what is going to happen? I know I "should" be exclusively positive, but I am quite sure that is impossible for me. I am absolutely terrified of losing the babies, of losing one baby, of not seeing heartbeats on Monday. I have roughly 67 hours (but who's counting?) before our scan, where we may or may not see healthy babies (please, please let them be okay) thus making me feel safe for now, or delivering not good news. I hate this position, and I've been in it too many times now. Putting the groceries away today, I saw my hands shaking, thinking about getting up on Monday and driving to the appointment. I will be a wreck by the time we roll into the clinic.

So now I am faced with the decision: should I stay or should I go? I could use the distraction, and as one friend pointed out, they have a Coach outlet. Buy a purse and some shoes! I am just terrified that I will be wondering the whole time: will this pregnancy make it? I may not be able to pick up a sundress without serious heart palpitations. Did anyone read "Cathy," the comic strip? You know how she used to run out of stores screaming "AACK!"? Well, that could be me. I am aware this level of anxiety about purchasing clothing is unwarranted, but it speaks to how scared I am. And how much I want my babies to live. Grow babies, grow.

The question remains: should I stay or should I go? And could someone send pregnancy-safe Valium immediately?

Name the Sacs

We are so thrilled with yesterday's news and so touched by each and every comment and well wish! Thank you. I was so excited that there appeared to be one healthy embryo growing yesterday, but two is extra special! I am quite aware of the heightened risks of twin pregnancies, and that there is still a possibility of vanishing twin syndrome, where one twin disappears, but we are trying to be as optimistic as possible. I feel very confident that medicine knows much more about how to have a healthy twin pregnancy than before, and we live near some amazing high-risk OB's and a Level 3 NICU. I am trying to educate myself about the risks and ways to take care of myself in the hope that both twins make it, and we are holding two babies in December.

Beta came back (for 16 days post 5 day transfer, or 16dp5dt at 5594. Looking good!!

With all the positivity and optimism coursing through my veins, I am thinking Sacs A and B need names. Because, seriously, we can't call them Sacs A and B forever!

Help me out, Internets, and offer up some ideas.

Show and Tell: Meet A and B!

The awesome Dr. D did an early ultrasound today, warning me we might not see the sac yet. We did; we saw TWO! I am speechless ... and overjoyed.

Go see what the rest of the class is showing over here!