The next six months Tubeless in Seattle's first year will come later in the week. Thanks for reminiscing with me!
It has been one year since I began writing here!
When I decided to start the blog, it was from reading others, and appreciating so much that people could share their pregnancy loss, infertility and treatment stories and experiences so authentically. Hoping that it would be cathartic to me, and perhaps provide a tiny bit of insight to another person going through the pain of miscarriage and fertility treatments motivated me to start writing.
A great decision, it turns out! I have made so many friends and found such an amazing community that supports its members and is unbelievably welcoming to neophytes. I've read both joyful and heartbreaking stories of birth and loss, life and death. I have found myself less quick to assume I understand someone else's experience of fertility, pregnancy or birth after seeing into so many people's worlds.
When I started out writing, I was the mother of a two year-old girl who'd experienced the pain of three miscarriages, two after seeing beautiful heartbeats which eventually stopped beating. My OB had put me on Clomid after months of unsuccessful conception but did not monitor me at all. After nothing happened, we sought help at a big Seattle RE, moved to IUI's but then discovered my tubes were severely damaged (from a previous Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) and had to be removed. I was made "Tubeless" in December 2008. Of course, without tubes, IVF was the only option, so in February of 2009, I was waiting impatiently for an ovarian cyst to resolve so I could begin stimulation drugs for my first IVF cycle. I was in waiting-to-start and birth control purgatory and was so desperately hoping for a shot at another pregnancy, another child in our family of three...
Here is a bit of what each month over the first half of last year held for me:
February 2009: Crazy Infertile Lady's behaviors are revealed while I wait for an ovarian cyst that is delaying my IVF cycle to GO AWAY. Also, I share an Affirmation after Miscarriage.
March 2009: Eventful! I get to start my cycle, Retrieval goes well, as does the Fertilization Report. I develop Ovarian Hyperstimualtion Syndrome (OHSS) which almost causes our cycle to be cancelled and embabies frozen, but we still get to transfer and put back two blasts. The OHSS gets worse and I have paracentesis done to remove fluid in my abdomen. Oh: I also find out I am PREGNANT!
April 2009: We find out I am pregnant with twins! I lament how previous miscarriages can ruin pregnancies. I start spotting (which is the way two miscarriages began...) and find out in the ER that I am carrying triplets. PANIC and WONDER.
May 2009: We discuss the idea of reduction for about a second, and are extremely reassured by our amazing MFM (high risk OB, called a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor). The first panicked call to said doctor occurs, and the fear of pregnancy loss and preterm labor commences.
June 2009: I whine about trying to be an energetic mommy while preggo with triplets and we are thrilled to discover that my belly holds three boys!
July 2009: I am put on strict-ish bed rest when my cervix starts to shorten, I count the days until viability, and post this priceless picture.
I am so thankful to have thoughtful, supportive readers, some of whom have become close friends. Thank you for reading and coming along for the ride through infertility, multiple pregnancy and triplet parenthood. Your supportive comments have lifted me up many a day.
Check back this week for the next six months which are full of worry, waist expansion and the birth of our boys!
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Under Pressure*
No news to report yet. I have been chastised by my faithful readers for not updating more frequently, so I thought I'd better check in. I am feeling stressed out on the couch, and need some cheer from you all! (See below...)
Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. P and I am seriously considering "forgetting" the appointment. Okay, well not really, but I have been enjoying my week at home and am a little fearful (read: terrified) that my cervix will do that shortening thing it does occasionally and I will be back in the hospital. Of course, if the situation is serious or there is a real need for me to be there, I will go willingly, but if it is just to rest somewhere else, I would rather rest at home.
The next 10 days have some pretty important happenings and I want to be here for them (insert the god's laughter here):
1. Not one, but TWO baby showers this weekend! My amazing neighbors are throwing an impromptu one on Saturday followed by a friends and family shower on Sunday.
2. My three-year-old who still very much seems like a baby to me starts preschool next week. The first time she has EVER been left anywhere like a school or playgroup without me, Daddy or Gramma. I want to be here when she departs for her first day and Dr. P said I can even ride along to pick her up.
3. The 28 week celebration! I want to be in my house, rejoicing with my family that we've crossed possibly the most important milestone in prematurity.
So yeah, there is a bit of a mental buildup to tomorrow afternoon's cervix check, fFN test and growth scan. My doctor is a reasonable, although conservative, woman and I am pretty sure I could eek out a few more days at home even if I was on the "border". Not that I will do anything to endanger any baby boys, just that in triplet pregnancies, hospitalization can be mostly a precaution. I would love to stay home right up until my scheduled C-section at 34.5 weeks, but I will settle for another couple weeks here. Yes, I hear myself bargaining... I am practicing for my conversation with Dr. P tomorrow.
I have about 20-ish hours until I see how the ol' cervix is holding up, and since I don't sleep much, I will be awake for most of them. I'd rather not give myself a stroke before I even arrive, so...
Here is my question for you: when you are stressed, nervous, distracted about something out of your control, how do you deal? Make yourself laugh? Listen to music? Please remember, there will be no mind-clearing walks or jogs around the 'hood; bed rest means the stress relief must be sedentary.
This poster has kept me laughing for about a week. My brother sent it to me during my hospital confinement... and it still makes me laugh until tears stream down my face. Cat lovers, forgive me, but I am pretty sure every cat I've ever met wanted to chew my face off. Here is proof: "Is your cat trying to kill you?" Really, really funny stuff... go read it. :)
What helps you mitigate stress?
*Get it? Because the cervix is measured two ways, neutrally and "under pressure"! I have such a way with words sometimes.
Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. P and I am seriously considering "forgetting" the appointment. Okay, well not really, but I have been enjoying my week at home and am a little fearful (read: terrified) that my cervix will do that shortening thing it does occasionally and I will be back in the hospital. Of course, if the situation is serious or there is a real need for me to be there, I will go willingly, but if it is just to rest somewhere else, I would rather rest at home.
The next 10 days have some pretty important happenings and I want to be here for them (insert the god's laughter here):
1. Not one, but TWO baby showers this weekend! My amazing neighbors are throwing an impromptu one on Saturday followed by a friends and family shower on Sunday.
2. My three-year-old who still very much seems like a baby to me starts preschool next week. The first time she has EVER been left anywhere like a school or playgroup without me, Daddy or Gramma. I want to be here when she departs for her first day and Dr. P said I can even ride along to pick her up.
3. The 28 week celebration! I want to be in my house, rejoicing with my family that we've crossed possibly the most important milestone in prematurity.
So yeah, there is a bit of a mental buildup to tomorrow afternoon's cervix check, fFN test and growth scan. My doctor is a reasonable, although conservative, woman and I am pretty sure I could eek out a few more days at home even if I was on the "border". Not that I will do anything to endanger any baby boys, just that in triplet pregnancies, hospitalization can be mostly a precaution. I would love to stay home right up until my scheduled C-section at 34.5 weeks, but I will settle for another couple weeks here. Yes, I hear myself bargaining... I am practicing for my conversation with Dr. P tomorrow.
I have about 20-ish hours until I see how the ol' cervix is holding up, and since I don't sleep much, I will be awake for most of them. I'd rather not give myself a stroke before I even arrive, so...
Here is my question for you: when you are stressed, nervous, distracted about something out of your control, how do you deal? Make yourself laugh? Listen to music? Please remember, there will be no mind-clearing walks or jogs around the 'hood; bed rest means the stress relief must be sedentary.
This poster has kept me laughing for about a week. My brother sent it to me during my hospital confinement... and it still makes me laugh until tears stream down my face. Cat lovers, forgive me, but I am pretty sure every cat I've ever met wanted to chew my face off. Here is proof: "Is your cat trying to kill you?" Really, really funny stuff... go read it. :)
What helps you mitigate stress?
*Get it? Because the cervix is measured two ways, neutrally and "under pressure"! I have such a way with words sometimes.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I Wanna be Sedated
Okay, here we are, 3dp5dt (or, three days past a five day embryo transfer) and I am already freaking out. I am so worried (see Wemberly posts) that it did not work. I am finding myself with all this nervous energy, but I am supposed to rest a lot to help with the OHSS. I could seriously reorganize the whole house with these nerves! The other side of the nervousness is the snappy, intolerant attitude I have about almost everything.
I can't stop combing blogs for symptoms, success stories, and really, someone should take my laptop away. Or at least turn off the damn Wi-Fi. I have already emailed my favorite nurse asking if cramping was normal and if the OHSS going away meant I am not pregnant. She was very soothing, reminding me that cramps are quite normal, and the OHSS can come and go, or simply go, even if I am pregnant. She said she'd wondered if she'd hear from me today as she'd grown "accustomed" to my daily emails full of questions. I HEART her and must bake her cookies immediately. See what I mean about the nervous energy?
This about summarizes my attitude for today (and possibly until 8 am on Monday the 30th). You know the Ramones?
"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no"
I can't stop combing blogs for symptoms, success stories, and really, someone should take my laptop away. Or at least turn off the damn Wi-Fi. I have already emailed my favorite nurse asking if cramping was normal and if the OHSS going away meant I am not pregnant. She was very soothing, reminding me that cramps are quite normal, and the OHSS can come and go, or simply go, even if I am pregnant. She said she'd wondered if she'd hear from me today as she'd grown "accustomed" to my daily emails full of questions. I HEART her and must bake her cookies immediately. See what I mean about the nervous energy?
This about summarizes my attitude for today (and possibly until 8 am on Monday the 30th). You know the Ramones?
"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no"
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Worry Begins
I am an anxious person. To anyone who knows me, this statement would draw a hearty snort and a "No, really?" I tend to obsess, over think and worry about things endlessly. After I read this post over at Just Another Infertility Blog, I thought, "Yes! I am Wemberly, too!" I worry about absolutely everything... and now the worry that this long, painful process of IVF won't work.
I know I should be all rainbows and sunshine since our first IVF cycle is going well, but the facts are over the last year, I have been the worst case scenario. I had three pregnancy losses, one after seeing our little daughter's heartbeat, and had my fallopian tubes removed. They told me at that ultrasound that very few pregnancies are lost after seeing a heartbeat twice, and I shouldn't worry. When I went back the next week, with a bad feeling in my heart, the ultrasound tech became very quiet and turned the screen away from me. I remember her saying, so clearly, "The baby is quiet now, honey. There is no heartbeat." I am not sure what it is about the possibility of a healthy pregnancy that causes me to relive these losses, but they feel very close by, looking over my shoulder, reminding me not to get too optimistic. We've spent lots of tears, time and dollars getting to this point, and I have this frightening feeling: This Is It. IVF is our only chance, and it still might not bring us a baby.
I had a nightmare last night was that I got a negative beta test, and was hysterically crying. I went to my RE's office and begged someone to let me start stims that same day. They blew me off, saying I had to wait a month at least, and they left me there, sobbing, desperate for some hope. I woke up feeling that loss could be right around the corner, could be coming in a couple weeks. That is a unique part of IVF: you put something alive, and growing inside of your womb. If it doesn't become a pregnancy, it isn't just, "We did not get pregnant this month." It is a loss in its own way.
I am going to acupuncture this afternoon with the most amazing, kind and relaxing woman. I am hoping it will help relax my body, get me ready for the embabies to come home (and maybe help with The Bloat). I know that being at peace would be a good way to be, but the pained voices that have been let down, hurt and lost in the past are making it so hard to be purely hopeful. But hope is there. And I want it to win.
*Thanks to my husband for making my blog look so spiffy and new! :)
I know I should be all rainbows and sunshine since our first IVF cycle is going well, but the facts are over the last year, I have been the worst case scenario. I had three pregnancy losses, one after seeing our little daughter's heartbeat, and had my fallopian tubes removed. They told me at that ultrasound that very few pregnancies are lost after seeing a heartbeat twice, and I shouldn't worry. When I went back the next week, with a bad feeling in my heart, the ultrasound tech became very quiet and turned the screen away from me. I remember her saying, so clearly, "The baby is quiet now, honey. There is no heartbeat." I am not sure what it is about the possibility of a healthy pregnancy that causes me to relive these losses, but they feel very close by, looking over my shoulder, reminding me not to get too optimistic. We've spent lots of tears, time and dollars getting to this point, and I have this frightening feeling: This Is It. IVF is our only chance, and it still might not bring us a baby.
I had a nightmare last night was that I got a negative beta test, and was hysterically crying. I went to my RE's office and begged someone to let me start stims that same day. They blew me off, saying I had to wait a month at least, and they left me there, sobbing, desperate for some hope. I woke up feeling that loss could be right around the corner, could be coming in a couple weeks. That is a unique part of IVF: you put something alive, and growing inside of your womb. If it doesn't become a pregnancy, it isn't just, "We did not get pregnant this month." It is a loss in its own way.
I am going to acupuncture this afternoon with the most amazing, kind and relaxing woman. I am hoping it will help relax my body, get me ready for the embabies to come home (and maybe help with The Bloat). I know that being at peace would be a good way to be, but the pained voices that have been let down, hurt and lost in the past are making it so hard to be purely hopeful. But hope is there. And I want it to win.
*Thanks to my husband for making my blog look so spiffy and new! :)
Monday, March 9, 2009
Searching for Symptoms...
So today is Day 4 of stims and I am not feeling many side effects. I had a pretty bad headache yesterday, and am a teensy bit edgy, but other than that, I feel like a million bucks. This should be good news*, but being the overly analytical person I am, I can't help but wonder, (Carrie Bradshaw style): Why aren't I a raving, bloated hormonal mess?
I am going in for my first round of blood work and ultrasound tomorrow morning, and I am a little worried that my Follistim and Menopur are damaged goods and not stimulating the ovaries! I keep asking DH, "I did inject all of it, right?" The bruises on my stomach and empty vials should tell me, but really, I just need to be sure. I expected to be really bloated and hormonal now, and I am not.
I might have to kidnap a sonographer and get an ultrasound machine for my living room. Any voices of reason out there? Has anyone else had a similar situation while stimming?
*Lately, I seem to have a hard time believing good news until it is proven to me. Enter live-in ultrasound machine.
I am going in for my first round of blood work and ultrasound tomorrow morning, and I am a little worried that my Follistim and Menopur are damaged goods and not stimulating the ovaries! I keep asking DH, "I did inject all of it, right?" The bruises on my stomach and empty vials should tell me, but really, I just need to be sure. I expected to be really bloated and hormonal now, and I am not.
I might have to kidnap a sonographer and get an ultrasound machine for my living room. Any voices of reason out there? Has anyone else had a similar situation while stimming?
*Lately, I seem to have a hard time believing good news until it is proven to me. Enter live-in ultrasound machine.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
E2 is 56.2 and Suppression Check #4
GAWD! You really can't keep my ovaries down. Five days ago it was 58.6, so our decline is a slow one, but they "really like" to see it under 50. This is not making me happy. I will now have suppression check number 4 a week from today with The Man to tell me if we can start stims.
I enjoy asking "what if" questions whenever possible to anyone with any medical expertise. So I asked Nurse C:
1. Q: What if it stays at 56? A: You can start as long as the ovaries are quiet.
2. Q: What if it goes up? A: It almost never does. But you never know.
3. Q: Do you think I'll get to start on time? A: I think so, but we'll see.
So basically, no new information... and more waiting. I am sure my husband thinks I am a crazy Infertile since I am not happy about this news, but I just want someone to say, "Ok! You can start!" and not have to come back for another scan, or blood test.
What do you think? Am I too programmed with bad news, miscarriages and delays to be happy when the news is good? Are you cautiously optimistic?
I enjoy asking "what if" questions whenever possible to anyone with any medical expertise. So I asked Nurse C:
1. Q: What if it stays at 56? A: You can start as long as the ovaries are quiet.
2. Q: What if it goes up? A: It almost never does. But you never know.
3. Q: Do you think I'll get to start on time? A: I think so, but we'll see.
So basically, no new information... and more waiting. I am sure my husband thinks I am a crazy Infertile since I am not happy about this news, but I just want someone to say, "Ok! You can start!" and not have to come back for another scan, or blood test.
What do you think? Am I too programmed with bad news, miscarriages and delays to be happy when the news is good? Are you cautiously optimistic?
2hw
No, I didn't mistype. That is the 2 HOUR wait...
I had my ultrasound this morning, and it was hard to tell if the cyst was much smaller. It looks like it might be collapsing, which would be great, and my lining is "nice and thin". The Man (my doctor in charge) said we could start to get excited about starting stims on the 6th of March as long as my E2 blood work is less than 50.
I usually get the blood work calls around 2 or so, so here I am, freaking out in the 2hw, and begging the universe that my cycle won't be delayed YET again.
I also cheated and looked up due dates for a March 17th retrieval:
Singleton: December 7th
Twins: November 15th
Why, oh why do I torture myself so?
I had my ultrasound this morning, and it was hard to tell if the cyst was much smaller. It looks like it might be collapsing, which would be great, and my lining is "nice and thin". The Man (my doctor in charge) said we could start to get excited about starting stims on the 6th of March as long as my E2 blood work is less than 50.
I usually get the blood work calls around 2 or so, so here I am, freaking out in the 2hw, and begging the universe that my cycle won't be delayed YET again.
I also cheated and looked up due dates for a March 17th retrieval:
Singleton: December 7th
Twins: November 15th
Why, oh why do I torture myself so?
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