I am an anxious person. To anyone who knows me, this statement would draw a hearty snort and a "No, really?" I tend to obsess, over think and worry about things endlessly. After I read this post over at Just Another Infertility Blog, I thought, "Yes! I am Wemberly, too!" I worry about absolutely everything... and now the worry that this long, painful process of IVF won't work.
I know I should be all rainbows and sunshine since our first IVF cycle is going well, but the facts are over the last year, I have been the worst case scenario. I had three pregnancy losses, one after seeing our little daughter's heartbeat, and had my fallopian tubes removed. They told me at that ultrasound that very few pregnancies are lost after seeing a heartbeat twice, and I shouldn't worry. When I went back the next week, with a bad feeling in my heart, the ultrasound tech became very quiet and turned the screen away from me. I remember her saying, so clearly, "The baby is quiet now, honey. There is no heartbeat." I am not sure what it is about the possibility of a healthy pregnancy that causes me to relive these losses, but they feel very close by, looking over my shoulder, reminding me not to get too optimistic. We've spent lots of tears, time and dollars getting to this point, and I have this frightening feeling: This Is It. IVF is our only chance, and it still might not bring us a baby.
I had a nightmare last night was that I got a negative beta test, and was hysterically crying. I went to my RE's office and begged someone to let me start stims that same day. They blew me off, saying I had to wait a month at least, and they left me there, sobbing, desperate for some hope. I woke up feeling that loss could be right around the corner, could be coming in a couple weeks. That is a unique part of IVF: you put something alive, and growing inside of your womb. If it doesn't become a pregnancy, it isn't just, "We did not get pregnant this month." It is a loss in its own way.
I am going to acupuncture this afternoon with the most amazing, kind and relaxing woman. I am hoping it will help relax my body, get me ready for the embabies to come home (and maybe help with The Bloat). I know that being at peace would be a good way to be, but the pained voices that have been let down, hurt and lost in the past are making it so hard to be purely hopeful. But hope is there. And I want it to win.
*Thanks to my husband for making my blog look so spiffy and new! :)